Notice

I desire to serve God with my whole heart and do not wish to straddle the fence and play with fire. I do not wish to toy with my past. I do not desire to walk in or with those that do not speak the love of Christ that I desire. This means I will lose friends and family. This means I will gain an insatiable love of God and desire Him more than anything, anyone else in the world. To you I say, what matters most? Are you choosing Christ over everything else? If today is the last, will He know you before His Father?

Clearly

At the very least all that I can say is that love is blind and beautiful. I would like to add that love is a difficult phenomenon that is hard at times to explain. As much as people (self included) want it, it comes with some responsibilities. I know that I am loved and am capable of giving love, however I am stumped over the form it comes in. I used to believe that love is dead and that marriage is for old folks, I am beginning to think differently.

I want to share more about this but cannot because I am unsure of what it all means. Love is golden, sharing is amazing, live and love well

Line

I have but one wish, (if I believed in them) it is to have love come back to me. To stay with me forever and a day, to never again walk away. To share everyday for the rest of this beautiful life together, to say yes to me always. To speak love in my air, to never ever ever leave but to love me and only me for as long as time gives us space. I digress

Lost

One thing is clear, things have not been the same since love walked away. Tell me the right words to say to bring love back into my life. Show me the picture to paint to speak my truth and recover what is for me. Give me the patience to wait and see what tomorrow may bring. Please love come back to me

Trois mois

I wish I had beautiful words to spill over the significance of today but I do not. Not only is today not what I envisioned but I have simply lived a lie. I led myself to believe in something that did not believe in me. I know without Christ people will never change, but with Christ all things are possible and constantly transforming, right?...

I can say this, it is official. What once was (if it ever truly was, for now I believe otherwise) is now not. What seemed like a lifetime was simply my wishful thinking. I wanted what I can never have, love. If I wasn't convinced, now I believe. I never wanted to feel like this again, never wanted to be this chick yet Me and Love have nothing in common.

NO LOVE

Today I had the honor of sitting in a Intercession Training 101 class at my church HPVC. Needless to say I had expectations like most attendees. Also needless to say God completely shattered, super exceeded my little ideas and opinions of who He is. Let me share some of what I learned. When we pray, who are we praying to? Are we praying to God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit? Who is it that we most address? I have a comfort in praying always "Father God in the name of Jesus." Today we were asked to get to know the trinity and learn the differences of their personality and to begin communication to the other figure that we don't pray to. For example I pray to the Father so my challenge is to build communication and relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, get it, got it, good. Also, I learned that oftentimes my dreams are not prophetic but simply my desires. Qualities that I admire in others are qualities I already have and may want more of. For example people that appear to be on fire for Christ are attractive to my spirit because I desire a certain maturity and confidence in Him. NOT THE PERSON BUT THE HOLY SPIRIT WITHIN. This revelation came with a little pain and rebuke, but those He loves he corrects so lets move on. Another lesson was learning to listen hear and pray what God says without filtering or any of me in the way. I was trained to pray hard, loud and intense because it was what I saw and therefore did. God being so awesome taught me today, no need to yell or scream, just speak in faith believe what I ask for and have confidence in His authority. I am not as bad as I thought I was. I too must be humbled, I too must be still before the Father so that I can be led of Him. The final thing I learned is that the Lord knows me, knows my weakness and hears me when I pray. This week started in such a spirit of lust of my flesh that I doomed myself right into hell. But thanks to the love of the Father, he kept me here, gave me forgiveness and the gift of repentance and I will not walk in that way again.
Overall I am learning more and more about what it means to be saved and set apart. I am confident that God led me to HPVC because there is more for me and it is more of Him that I desire. I am learning to trust in Him and not walk in fear. Amen

To love, I will not ask you to love me back, GOD is LOVE. I love having a Father that loves me so, He sent His ONLY Son that I may have eternal life, now that's love.

Confessions

"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16 kjv

I confess I have given people the benefit of the doubt perhaps more than they deserve. I have believed in the words of man and have thought that having Christ in one's life has meaning. I have believed that there is nothing in life that God cannot change. I have also believed that healing is for all. I believe that the God I serve, (the almighty) is absolutely NOT a man that He should lie or the son of man that He should repent. In that, we are not God, we are and will always come short of His glory. I recognize my own errors and know that I truly am NOTHING without God. I know that because I care, I am susceptible to hurt. I have been hurt by another follower of Christ. My actions have caused me to be rejected and condemned. THANK God that He is not like man. Because I have allowed this seed to grow into an ugly weed, I must tear it down.
To you who were allowed to hurt me, I forgive you. To you who lied to me and told me I mattered when you knew I meant nothing to you, I forgive you. To you who led me to believe in love, I forgive you.
Father in the name of your son Jesus, I thank you for the gift of life you have given me. I thank you there is no pain on earth that heaven cannot heal. I thank you that there is none on earth that will ever, ever, ever be enough. I am thankful that your love sent Jesus. I am thankful for your new daily mercies. I am thankful for your sufficient grace. I ask that you forgive me for putting my trust in man. I confess I have walked in error and acknowledge that my sin is always before me. Against you and you only have I sinned and done this evil in your sight. Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean. I thank you that I know without any doubt that I have forgiveness because of Jesus. I know and thank you that you are faithful and just to forgive. I ask you Lord to heal my heart, to keep me because I desire to be kept. I ask that I never fall again for the spirit of deception and only follow your voice.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. I receive forgiveness in the name above every other name, Jesus, I pray.

"WHOA Neg, what are you talking about? What is going on in that head of yours?" Her best friend asked as she read her blog on the train. "I have to call her and see what's going on." Don't bother, the Lord is the love of my life. He had made me glad, His love for me is unconditional. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. It is in Him that I live, move and have my being.

The Healer

I am so very thankful for everything in life that has brought me to this very point. I am thankful for the peaceful sleep that only comes from the Father. I am thankful for the spirit of truth that really does guide us into all truth. I am thankful that the things I have encountered in life have not taken me out, have not taken the sanity of mind I enjoy. Have you ever just sat and thought back over your life and know that only the true and living God could have kept you? I have and do often. There are so many blessings he has given me and when I think back, I am in total awe. I am thankful for this very technology to express my thoughts. I am thankful for my family as crazy as we are, I am still thankful for you all. I am thankful that I am coherent and mobile and can stand up straight and have a able body. I am thankful for speech, sight, sound, feel and taste. Who else could think to give us five senses instead of four or six? Who else knows the dynamics of the human body and its balance, nobody but God. I am thankful for creativity and structure and rules and boundaries and also the liberty of my faith. I am thankful to be able to read His word and want more and want to know it like a scholar. I am thankful for the power of prayer. I am thankful that He loves me so much that He sent Jesus to die for me, as unfaithful and just plain wrong that I am, he still came for me. He blessed my womb, he blessed my life with children. His grace is abundant, His love is unspeakable. I am thankful that He did not let me die in my sin, what kind of love is this? He allowed me to go through all these things so I can give Him glory and know that I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus.
Yes this list is endless, I had to share this. God really is a healer. 8-21/2-18 YES HE IS A HEALER.
My prayer today is as it is everyday, Thine will be done, lead me and guide me...

New Life

'We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.' Romans 6:4 NIV

Happy Birth Day to Me. Today I received purification through baptism. Today I was immersed in the waters of life and am now a part of the great family of believers before and with me who have made a public profession of faith. I belong to God. I have brothers and sisters in Christ who stood and will stand with me to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. No greater moment in my life compares to today. I have a date, I have a moment, I have a memory and now I have an eternal hope that I belong to God. Today I got baptized signifying years of wandering and sinning without true conversion to become a bona fide believer. Along with another brother we demonstrated our faith and what a beautiful ceremony. I am personally accountable for EVERYTHING that I do. Watch out world

Really

Pain, pain go away Why did you come back, are you here to stay, again?
As has been the story of my life. By design I have avoided anything similar to love. After the one chance that I got that ended bittersweet, I simply gave up. I believed that my heart would never open up to give or receive love. Lately like the fool that I have always been with matters of the heart, I opened up and started to simply believe. Tried to imagine life shared and not have to direct its course. I was completely caught off guard and tried to manage it but its power is beyond my strength. As quickly as the weather can go from hot to cold in the city is as quickly as love laughed at me. Love reminded me that I am not invited to share its bliss. Love told me explicitly that 'Today is not your day and tomorrow does not look good either.' But love, you told me I could come to your world. You said you were sent from heaven just for me and that all I had to do was believe. What happened love, why, how can you pretend that you were for me? How can it be shared between every opposite in creation, but not for me?
So I stepped back, giving love the space to completely overwhelm me and never ever miss me again. Love stepped back, love was never this close, love has said goodbye.....again???

To love, I say, no love, no more, nothing

A few years ago

THE TRUTH

So here it is, mission accomplished. After the birth of Venus, I created a logo combining the names of my children. Yesterday, I crossed over, my defense system broke and collapsed and I could no longer resist its call. I tried to tell myself this won’t manifest and that the proven addictive effect will not happen to me. I will not be on the street hanging around looking for some man to pierce my skin/rip my flesh; no that will not be me. But instead, I tried it and truth be told, I liked it. My artist, let’s call him “dude” treated me like the fiend I was sure to become. “On your knees and lean forward” I instantly thought of the many times I’ve assumed this position with the same fear, “don’t hurt me” and like all the others it was over within minutes. I chose my leg, an area that’s as discreet as my armpits and let him pierce, probe and label me, thereby inducing me into a part of a community of millions that deem this ritual important. The needle hit my dark flesh and as my blood bursts through I was hooked, trapped in a place of anxiety and excitement all at once, until it overtook me and set me free or forever bound me. He pulled away and showed me the door. I thanked him, attempting to make eye contact, looking for something in this lost soul that would connect and leave a lasting impression, but it didn’t work. He told me I was welcome and called the next girl in. In a disillusioned aura I stumbled out and faced my two remaining seeds, and my bloodslut, seeing the curiosity in their faces. “Let me see” they all asked. I felt my confidence shrink like a prune, all my juices dried up and I wanted more. Just that quick, I was in, there is text on my skin…jerleelsie

Better

Sometimes there are tough decisions that have to be made. People will get hurt and pain will most certainly ensue. However one decision cannot be compromised, the walk of Faith. When one decides to walk in Christ, be prepared for battle but also be comforted knowing that victory is in Christ. When I decided to follow after Him, I did not know who or what would impact my life. I had no idea that there would be as much pain as I have experienced, but I am so thankful. I am thankful because through the pain I have consistently returned to the love of the Father. Many have come and gone, and because of that I have not fully opened my heart to love. Yes I love, but I cannot with honesty say that I am convinced. I have come to realize that when you say you are a believer, your fruit will speak volumes. More than money, success, fame or any other selfish gain, I want God pleased with my life. I believe that to love me is to first Love GOD. Because I am a parent then the love for me has to include loving my children. At no point in love should there ever be a bending of the rules for any reason. This has become my life, but this will not be my life. I have promised over and over again to not do this or that, to only be in the exact contradiction. And why, because of what...some fallacy of love? There is a wind of change blowing in my life and I have to be free to be able to embrace it. I cannot make the will of God right my wrong, nor can I dare think I can change anyone. I have tried to be what one needs, but my needs ( obedience in Christ) have been suppressed. The inevitable decision has to be made and with all that is within me I do not want to have to go through this process yet again. But as for me and my house we shall serve the Lord. I have not walked as I have talked, I am hiding a sin that has me trapped, but I choose to walk in Freedom.
I apologize for my disservice, I repent for my disobedience. I accept forgiveness. I will not let this go any further, it is my soul that is at risk and for the first time in a long time, I get it. I know and understand that the wages of sin....death! As I stated at the beginning, some decisions have to be made and sometimes people will not like the outcome. I thank you for the time and do not want there to ever be a question of my sincerity or appear selfish. I am praying as I always have...that the will of God be done.
If only I can make this better, if only I had listened to the Spirit of truth and not my flesh..if only my healing was complete, I could have made a better decision and be a better woman.

Lord help me to not fall again for a lie, lead and guide me, protect and cover my heart. Show me how to love, teach me your ways....please help me to listen to your voice and every decision be your will.

Moment in Life

'But have you ever had that moment life, where everything was cool. Didn't have to worry about the time? You were having the greatest moment in life..' These are not my words but if there is a song that could relate to the yesterday it would be..Moment in Life by Musiq, off the soul star album. It's funny, but I am convinced God has a great sense of humor. I feel like the ground under my feet has split in two and I am looking up from the bottom trying to decide which side to climb out of. Before I allow every single thought fruition, do note, I am as clueless as can be about this. It make absolutely no sense at all, yet makes all the sense in the world. Lord, you are very funny, it is obvious you get a kick out of me, why did you have to do all this.....on a Monday? There is so much more here to talk about, but it is better...out my mind, just in time.

Directions, please

Ideally I would love to have this blog be about my writing....it is not. It has become something else and I make no apologies. However there are some honorable mentions...that deserve attention. I am at a stagnant place now with my career. I thought I was stepping into something great and wonderful, but seems God has other plans for me. I admit I am nervous about being in this place of uncertainty and somewhat embarrassed to be pounding the pavement once again, but this is not a new place for me. In fact I have been here before and it does not get any better the second time around. I easily started to see myself successful and prosperous in what I thought was a great opportunity, but I did ask God to remove it from me if it was not HIS will.....and it was not.

Now, about my writing.....what is there to talk about? Why did I go to college for fiction writing? What am I really supposed to do with no experience outside of class? Yes this is a familiar song that I have sang before, however in my discouragement I admit, there is no one to blame but me.

In other news, I've joined a new church. I enjoy the teaching, though I do feel like an outsider a bit. The church is great....I'm just looking for the place where I belong.

Also, yesterday I challenged myself...the goal being to successfully ride my bike downtown. I made it to McCormick....and wow! what a feeling. It took me some time and frequent rest stops, but lawd have mercy....I made it! With nothing but sheer will power and determination I did it...which means I can do anything.....including remaining vegetarian, being sexually pure, totally committed to Christ and successful in life.

Funny how things that seem like a roadblock are just that, a block not a detour....on my way ( to wherever that "place" is).

The beginning of the middle

Tomorrow I have an amazing opportunity that will change our lives. I will be in a position to demonstrate my intention to be a professional educator. Nervous? very. Excited? extremely. Tired, yes. This has taken me nine years to get to. I have went through several detours, but every road lead me to this. This is why I am here. This is the best part of me that with a little modification, will showcase the greatness within. Yes I am trusting God and I believe it is my time. I believe in myself and all that He has given me, it's time to shine. I was born to do this. I am meant to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...

Friends

How many times do we call someone "friend?" What are the qualities involved in labeling someone more than an aquaintance but less than a lover, partner or spouse, etc? What are the unspoken rules of friendship shared between people? When does the friendship find its path that lead to a level of trust that if cared for, will not easily break? How does the search commence and who are the judges? I do not know. One thing I can say with some level of certainty, a good friend is hard to find, even harder to keep. I have given this esteemed title to many only to regret the decision when the situations require more than I am willing to give. I keep a healthy distance between myself and people as a general rule of thumb. This selfish act has kept me from a lot of disappointments with most people. I am not afraid to bond with people, just sometimes find comfort in being selfish....
Recently the rules of friendship took root in a very unexpected, effortless way. I found what I will call, a friend. I found a level of unspoken trust that was comforting and true. Today my friend has moved on to greater endeavors, leaving me aghast. Does this mean that I did not find a friend, or that heartless code...out of sight, out of mind, will ensue? If that happens as most things in life fade with time, I can say I know what it means, to have a friend.
Adios Amigo

Thinking

So much to be thankful for. The gift of the Holy Spirit has blessed my family in a very special way and I will never forget the day March 21, 2010. Also the road will be handled by yet another teenage driver.....
There are so many good things going on right now. I know that I am getting into a new place in Christ that will be full of new experiences, yet I am comforted by His peace, knowing that I am never alone and that He is with me always.
I have been thinking a lot about blogging, fashion, parenting, relationships and the like. I have an incredible opportunity ahead of me that if it goes well, will improve the quality of my life. This decision will definitely effect the list above in a way unknown to me. There will be moments where some of the cares of life will become less of a burden and obstacles will be a opportunity for peace. I am nervous at the idea of being in the position to impact the lives of others, but isn't that the point?
I feel that after nine years, I am ready to move on.

Yes this entry seems frazzled but at least its something new to think about

A fresh wind

'Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."' Hebrews 13:5 NIV

This is my message to you. I heard something today at church today that hit me. 'If I knew the extenent to which the sin we are in is, it makes what Christ did for us that much more greater.' Amazing! I have struggled over the last few weeks or months over the question of my salvation, and today I heard back from the Lord. Imagine this.....
He in his loving power will NEVER condemn us, he condemned his Son even unto death for us! Me, unworthy of anything that He gives, still He will not condemn me, what kind of love is this?

I spent the last week in limbo, unsure which way to go or how to go wherever I was headed. I prayed, did all that seemed right, yet inside I needed to hear from Him. Not only did He hear me, but He chose to answer me. Thank you Father! Get ready for the 'new wind' in my life! God is about to do a new thing in me and I am so glad.

The path of solitude has remained imminent, because I have and am continually learning that we must walk in agreement. In every relationship in life there has to be some level of agreement, even if to disagree. There are some decisons that have to be made and some people that will have to be seperated from where I am going in God. I am on a journey that requires I walk with Him in truth. I have been blessed to have had the experiences in my life that have not overwhelmed me. I have taken note as best as I can on every 'what if' imaginable and all those questions have led me back here. This is the place where it really matters. This is the time to walk in maturity in Christ, to stand firm on His word, to hold on to his unchanged hands.

Lord I desire more of you
Teach me your ways
Help me to totally trust in you and lean not to my own understanding
Use me for your glory
Call me friend......

Am I Saved

Yes, you read it right. I am asking the question, Am I saved? Why? Because my salvation has been assumed, presumed and directed. It has become very clear over the last months that I have simply become accustomed to doing as I was told....without any clear moment of conversion. I grew up in the church, in fact it is the only institution I am completely and utterly committed to. Naturally every step taken has been carefully guided by my family, preachers and teacher alike, all with my expected consent. This past weekend I was faced with the question..."AM I SAVED?" My answer will be found here.
It is my desire to discover the truth in my life without being told what and how to live the Christian Life. Yes I am thankful for the upbringing that has kept me in the safety net of the church, but there is something I am seeking beyond the border of the physical temple. I now know that a change has not taken place independently in my life that I can recall to announce my conversion, I have simply did as I was told.

This I want no more of. I want to know God for myself. So today I took the first steps, I confessed every sin that came to mind (a very long tear-filled list) and asked for forgiveness. In the midst of my tears, I was told to reconcile relationships with three VIPs in my life, so far all is well. One more hurdle to cross. I plan to share this journey here and discover what I have talked about my entire life but never truly experienced.....right relationship with Christ.

Confession

This is going to release me. I confess to you that I have not taken very good care of the able body you have given me. Last year I went through three months of exercise, soul searching, diet and accountability even a juice fast, only to have now resorted back to my old lazy ways. For this I am sorry and ask for your guidance, to not just release the physical baggage, but also the spiritual and mental weight I carry every day. I do not like the protruding body I see now and am ashamed that I have once again sought comfort in food rather than in you. Please forgive me, and help me! I want this to really be the temple that you dwell in and I know you see me better than I will ever see myself and yet love me...
Take the coal cleanse my lips
HERE I AM

New Year, of course

So like most of you, I felt the urge to proclaim certain tasks I will follow through in the arrival of the new year. At the vert last hour of the last day of 2009, I officially withdrew from my job. Not physically, but mentally. I have witnessed a lot of changes made at work that have not worked in my favor and instead of giving a well deserved response, I choose to not allow it to get the best of me.....literally. With that being stated, (for the first and last time) I move on to more important matters....HAPPY NEW, HOLY, PROSPEROUS, HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!! We made it! HALLELUJAH!! Yes, 2009 had a lot of challenges, but doesn't every year? It is the overcoming of those challenges that gives room for joy and celebration. I faced a lot of challenges with relationships and decisions and am victorious. I expanded my client base and am so very thankful to God for blessing me. This may seem extremely self-centered, but I have a lot to be grateful for. The most important gifts, I get daily......forgiveness, mercy and grace and the joy of salvation. I want to grow closer to God in a way that astounds me, in a way that is as His word says......beyond what I can ask or think. I desire to be in a place where I am available to be used, where everything about me changes, and I am no longer the same. Perhaps this seems like a resolution of some sort, or a lists....whatever you want to call it, it is a statement of truth. I believe I have found a church home where I can grow and be effective in the body of Christ. I also desire more patience with life and what it will bring. Yes I want to lose weight, commit to blogging, get a masters degree, learn French and Arabic, leave the country, go to Africa, heal the world......all those good things. I want to LIVE! I want to LAUGH! I want to LOVE!
am i asking for too much?

Here's to forgetting those things that are behind....pressing towards the things which are ahead.