Mixed feelings in September

Whew! This has been one long extra boring week, however TGIF. I went out on Monday and enjoyed the view, had a little doubt after I left my appointment for future work and I suppose I carried that energy all week. Because I was unsure of the right strategy to solve a problem, I somehow became incompetent. I felt indifferent because I should have known the answer. I know now that I stored that feeling of self-worth in my subconscious and rendered myself depressed. The three days after that was a drag as I moped around the house unable to shake myself and this heavy weight loose. I listened and read even avoided social interaction thinking that it was people I was becoming tired of. I found myself questioning purpose, health and sanity, my three biggest fears. I even went through a few vinyasas thinking that of course “centering” myself would alleviate this for lack of words, pain. But I soon realized that to come to the yoga mat with any feeling of negativity is a waste of time and only prevents and prolongs the healing. I went for a long walk with my sons and I believe a little light began to shine through this dark soul. I’d had enough of this feeling that I was in that I ran to my first love, Christ. I couldn't’t bare another night of sleeplessness that made the day’s quest for sleep inescapable. I had exhausted myself and my very limited abilities and knew the only way out of this was to take it to the father. I let go and released all the weight of the past week into the lap of my savior. I told God that it was too much for me and that I needed his strength. I told him that I could not or rather did not want to experience another one of these days. I took a deep breath and was sound asleep. A few hours later I woke up because my room lacked a midnight cooling I’d become so accustomed to living in the city by the lake. I rose but commanded myself to be at peace and found myself back in dreamland. Though I cannot recall any of the contents of my dream I am glad because it means I slept well. When I did finally did wake, I went for another brief walk to get my new day going and I must say I felt good. My only concern is why did I let this linger for so long and where was my faith sooner? This has a lot to do with my sometimes inability to let things go, but we will discuss that later. In all, today really is a new day, and writing is how I give thanks, because I am present which means I matter. Thank you God….