Members Society

That title sounds cool, right? Makes you want to read further on and see if your idea of membership and society are similar to my own, right? Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is not at all about a society but a response to a blog I'm reading.
Back story: Ms SNH has been seen a lot in life and rarely heard. This is because she does not want the battle of acceptance vs. rejection to ensue. So she hides the mental labyrinth in hopes of keeping intruders away. She is easy on the eyes which scares her because it is physical and not at all how she sees herself. (BTW, yes she is writing of herself on her blog in third person....and yes she is being ambitious with that liberty) She has lived a life of separation from her truth because she fears judgment from the planet that offers such hope...NOT! In fact in her perfect world she lives in greens, blues and clear water and hunts to no avail. Yes she is somewhat amazing in her thinking process but it is her musings that clearly define her. Every word has a point of entry and can be traced  to sign across her heart that beats only for one, the MOST HIGH!.  Of all that matters in life to her nothing and no one compares to Him. But this post is not about that..go to dying daily for that.

So the blog I am reading is from a transplant and in spite of grammar is quite interesting. I have found a renewed love for the written word and have continued to profess that I am writing this book though at times is stagnant and without reason. My studies tell me all the semantics of my craft, but the subject seems to resonate over all my work...I write what I know and I know me. So to one writer who seeks meaning in language I say write what you know and in that you are writing what is truth.  But back to what this is about. Recently this SNH has taken another exit from the windy city to the city that never sleeps and once again found herself in the company of love. She loves this place so intently that she must be there everyday for the next whenever. She has set a date for this move and will have to face her fears during the 10 hour drive to "home."

Yes to spread love is the Brooklyn way (sorry) but the love she wants to spread is the love of ABBA  for no other love is really love. Yes she still believes in love but is not seeking it...or is she?

At the very least, workshops, deadlines, content writing, training, bills, exhaust pipes, fur balls, dust mites, periods, alarms, no parking, alternate parking?, worship, carfare, internship, allowances, deductions, exemptions, dreams, programs, music, dope, cloves, vodka, meds, fish oil capsules, tofu, bloggarrhea, cats, no dogs, dates, assignments, loans, payments, income (not enough), hopes, tires, eyebrows, heels, Corinth, friends, family, love, fear, pain, balance, hype, break and stay is a part of everyday for me and to write, to dance, to sing is what frees me. So write love, write until you are out of ideas and then write some more.

WELCOME BACK

"Good writing is dependent on good reading" Saul Williams

So, "What's good?" This blog was started in College in an effort to give a place for the voices of single moms like myself and the semantics of our daily lives. I admit that a huge part of this life for me has been seeking a love to share home with. However, a good friend reminded me of the responsibility I feel I have to this population to have a voice. So I return to the part of life that matters to me...writing.

Do you have a story to share? Has there been a addition to your family? How has the dynamics of being the head of the household, single parenting been lately? Are you excited, frustrated, angry, curious, optimistic, pessimistic, nonchalant, indecisive, anxious, overwhelmed, fatigued,cool, hot, warm, tender-hearted,bummed out, joyful....

Free yourself and the voices that say to you any other thing besides how wonderful you are. I know there are many, many times when you are tired and frustrated at the hand we've been dealt, but hold on. My brothers and sisters there is a strength we have that is only surpassed by ourselves. We belong to a group that have decided to not just make lemonade, but also cook dinner to accompany lemonade. We belong to the group of people that don't give up but press on because we have to, there are child(ren) depending on us for every thing and we must continue.

So welcome again to the place where you are free to share whatever is on your mind and heart for I know the two are not always in sync. I say to you I am proud to call you friend....now share

Resignation

As of yesterday and all that it represents, it is now stated officially. I SUCK AT LOVE AND THEREBY RESIGN MY CANDIDACY. This  means I will not run for, after or from love. I will not seek solace in its acceptance. I have opened up my heart to its acceptance only to be kicked to the curb like a homeless veteran. So I say to the last few especially CLF....thanks for nothing. Thanks for sharing but not really caring. If sharing is caring you clearly don't give a f&*(.  If love is blind I need glasses. If love conquers all, I surrender. If love is patient and kind, I'm exhausted and angry. To senor....whatever! To MDB????. Its days like today when the need to be explicit and honest lead me. Its moments like the one right now when I must stand up and walk away from this losing game. Its moments like today when I wish the one love I had stayed intact and I never have to go through this nonsense ever again. To all those that came  after love left I bid you adieu. I say no to love as it has brutally said HELL NO to me. I think I am a beautiful beauty well worth loves invitation, but the most high has spoken and said, not right now. Its like why bother with the idea of what is not?

It would be quite easy to surrender my body for its cruel imitation, but that would be more useless and foolish and quite frankly, idiotic. Yes there are nights, days, months where I crave a touch of  love and go through my contacts and quickly decide otherwise, but even that is futile. I only wanted one love and I've not seen it as pure as the first. I've not shared the love of Christ and the passion of life together since the first love. None have quite surpassed the standard. Am I complaining...yea but only to come to and accept the resolution. I quit! I say to love, you won and always win with matters of the heart, so no thank you to this sickness. I will continue to tame this flesh and renew my love for the most high and you are no longer welcome here.

Update

So a lot has happened since the last post but the most recent of these events have shifted me into complete oblivion. I have tasted and smelled pain so consistently that at times I questioned my place in life. Love played a terrible joke on me....again.  I said yes to what resembled love and took a serious risk only to have the last laugh played across my heart and body. I stepped in the passing lane and watched the apples fall by the road while my heart went along for the ride. I lost but this time the damage was minimal. So being the intense creature of habit  I am I have returned to the comfort zone where love remains an unsolved mystery and very uninviting.

Since the BK, the change at home has come full circle and the manifest was difficult at times but  I'm okay with all of it now. I have come to accept the single lady lifestyle with ease...well most days. My children have blossomed into fuller beanstalks (no pun intended). We are preparing to surrender the eldest to the grounds of higher education with a single thought, desire and prayer...SUCCESS. I am confident things will work out though at times I'm concerned. Life has been hard but we are getting through it at my amazement each day.

So....this little note here is also to express my joy of a wonderful new friendship forming. Gracias senor EM.

This is also to highlight more change....I am ready to move I am ready for ownership. I am ready to defend and conquer all that matters to me...and that is a whole lot. I stand for one thing and its the love of the Father which means I follow none but become all things for all to win some..ADieu

what more can I say

There are times when at the right moment you will hear a story that rings down to your soul. There are times when just the right words are placed in your memory forever. There are times when what you hear rings so true that it makes you silent and perhaps cry. These moments have been finding their intrusive way into my life lately. This current trip I am on in the big apple has done more to solidify what I already know. The conversations I've eavesdropped and engaged in from a distance have provided an incredible insight into this little world of mine that I want to write. I had a lot of thoughts floating in my head but they have went to a secret place that I am unable to reach now but this line stands out. 'Your spirit is totally completely different from my own and that's OK.'  
Perhaps tomorrow or some other time before I return back home this profound experience will return and I can write about what I feel.

Brooklyn.....again

So I'm here once again in the BK. The love building is walking distance...the sounds of everyday people tap the windows below. Engines roar, food simmers, drinks are poured laughs are shared.....good times are rolling. But there is only one on my mind....love.
Love for me has come in many shapes and forms yet the love I desire has become a strange fruit that I am unsure how to get at it. I have noted every experience in hopes that the moment or the notification is recorded when love breaks forth in my life. Let me make some sense...I'm sick right now because love has decided to grant me a pass and I am scared speechless. Its like how can four letters identify with everything everyone every where

Well I want to say more but sleep calls..

Sleep Deprived

It is 7 25a.m. where I am. I have been woke for 27 hours and have been having a time that I will
remember for the rest of my days. I am in the company of the better half of my family. The blood between this brood is as similar as it gets. The time shared so far has been out of this world. Looking forward to the day.......I need to rest, for real.

Here we go

So it's been decided by my frends that I should note my work experience. Because of the incredible distaste I have for my job, perhaps writing about it will clear my head. So let's start how I got here.

In 2010 I was unemployed because I resigned from my call center position. Not the greatest job, but I had to leave. I have some things that I stand for and equality is high on the list. So after weeks of searching, I joined a employment service that landed me the interview for the current job I have. Before accepting the interview the employment specialist asked me If I really wanted the job because I could do so much better and she could definitely find me something better, but I resigned because I needed to work. So work started, transition started and I eventually remained in the bookstore. This is where the drama begins.

I work in one of Chicago's airport (the smaller one) which means I have face to face contact with the traveling public. While this is not the problem instead the behavior of the traveling public is what I struggle to understand. Initially I have questions of the questions asked of me daily.

We open @ 5 am not 4 51, not 4 55, but 5 am. So wait. If the li'ghts are off and the gate is lowered that is usually a sign that we are not open for business, so don't ask what time we open....read the signs posted in clear view.

"Where's your nearest restroom?" This one is the best. My first response is this (thought I don't say it) It's probably close to the sign that says RESTROOM. Or, my closest rest room is in my bedroom since I don't own the airport restrooms. But I digress and respond they're on either side of the concourse... READ THE SIGNS.

This next one gets me the most. From a first look into the bookstore there are books galore, and because of the space there are just books no hidden magazine racks, no hidden water cooler, no hidden newspaper stand, but still they peek in and look around towards the rear of the store for the secret stash of the aforementioned. WE SELL BOOKS, BOOKS AND BOOKS!!!
Now before you say I am being hard on the general public and should allow for the common question and be more courteous, let me remind the reader, the bookstore is next door to the newsstand which sells nearly everything you need in an airport, including some books. So to that I'd like to offer my other response which comes off as me being a smart ass, we don't sell that but the 'NEWSSTAND NEXT DOOR DOES' Now my managers and supervisors would rather you answer every stupid question with a certain level of joy and employ the stupid notion of being 'a travelers best friend, wtf is that? I am a traveler and do not assume the working class people in the airport are my best friends so let's be realistic. I also do not think answering the same question hundreds of time a day should be bothersome if there were no signs posted, but there are signs everywhere, it's ths airport people, wake up, look up, think before you ask and read the signs...

I could go on but I think you get the point.

My next issue is that because I am still at this job for only God knows why because I am actively pursing a better gig in line with my education, I am quite ashamed of the position, the pay rate and the management team responsible for making decisons on the associates behalf. I am ashamed that I have a writing degree from the country's largest Liberal Arts Collge and am working here, struggling to care for my family, pay all my bills and maintain a level of mental staiblity that keeps me from fighting with these so called 'best friends' of mine, it is heavy on me and damnnit I'm mad. But being mad does not change anything, so here is where I write.

I work for and with people of ignorance and the type of ignorance that does not want change. I work with people that have held ths job without a union, without a voice for years and have not created the change they would like to see, instead they talk amongst themsleves afraid to trump the General Manager. He is but a figure a poor one at that, but still a figure that we all know does not stand with his staff and will throw them under the bus to save his own ass. He is incompetent and lacks the confidence to speak up instead he hides behind his title and send the ladies to do the dirty work. Again someone would argue that I don't understand and try walking a day in his shoes and to you I say, he has a choice like we all do and the choices that affect us should be weighed more carefully.

Lastly I will state that if we want change we have to create change and this is my effort to add to the solution not the problem. I do not enjoy at all the place where I work I do not at all enjoy the time spent in time with the people I work with, save for a few . But more than that I am ashamed to be here for I feel like my life has value and meaning I'm a human being dammnit. (not my own words) I matter and yes I am better than this. I am so much better....so why am I still here suffering with depression and rage, shame and pain?

nfl

Days pass like years, hours like weeks, minutes like centuries that I was not a part of. Moments drip like coffee waiting for love. Breaths are quick and tattered waiting for love. Wanting so desperately to be in sync forever waiting for love. Safety security withholding my love from me, taking each gap further than before. Come closer

truth

Have you loved for so long that it is embedded in your identity? Before I knew the cliche what love is (though lately I've questioned the notion), before life spread me across the carpet of heartbreak hotel. Before I could express what I felt, before I could say its name. Before puberty, periods, post partum, attitudes, anger, abuse, hope, desperation, jealousy, struggle, depression and disappointment. Before pregnancy and PTA meetings, before denial and divorce, before vows and virginity, before love songs and lactate, before judge and jury, before the power of pain, there was him. The love that withstands time. The love that stretches and runs deep, the love that is tribal and sacred, the love that was real before I could say it. Before I would ever know that love is conditional, it was him. Before the last train to Brooklyn left it was him. More than two decades ago I met what would become my NFL, the one whose presence has always seemed fleeting. The one who trumps all others the one who because of his absence gave room for others to hurt me and leave scars skin deep. Before all of those experiences taught me a thing or two about myself and men, it was him. Before during and after it will always be him. A word a song a book a definition a poem cannot define what this means to me. Nothing compares nothing in this side of the world, in this here temple can ever come in the same space as this. Until I am able to fully embrace the divinity of it all, I am forever waiting. I am always hoping but never finding the right time when lives collide and burst forth beauty. Foolishly I believe in the highest greatest love of all..him. Foolishly I dance the night crawl in search of what I can only find in him. Foolishly I wait for once to happen forever... I adore you

Sometimes

Recently I have been listening to "Sometimes" by Bilal. In case you're unfamiliar, he uses the word "sometimes" as a catch phrase to state some concerns in a beautiful melody. I heard this song and have listened to it every day for the last two weeks. I have a moment to pay homage to this tune as I "sometimes" have questions on my own of myself and of others....

SOMETIMES...I wish I wasn't so naive, I knew how to let go, I still had the life of Sierra. I wish I could love truly and deeply. I wish he loved me enough to stay forever. I wish I didn't cut my hair. I wish I had perfect health. I were more social. I don't have to always wait for everything while others stride through life. I want to hear "Yes, Negetarian, we would love to have you." I heard "Congratulations, welcome home to the apple, we're so glad you're here, sit down stay a while." The money I've given out really does come back 100 fold. I were debt-free. My two children live to see forever. I live a good life that doesn't have duality. That Big son can smile in confidence. I want to be able to afford to splurge every now and then on my family. Visit every continent. I were better to Him sometimes. Sometimes I wish I knew the truth about my family and came clean about my own suffering. I could have a drink to take the pain away. I had no stretch marks. I had very nice teeth and hazel eyes....sometimes. Wrote a book and it became a nytimes bestseller, wouldn't that be nice. Sometimes that I waited to give my treasure away before marriage. Bore no shame of my identity. I could sew, sing and play guitar...lol.
Sometimes that I didn't have to itemize my life