hdn @ mdw

Weekly I expose my imprint into your digital eyes and ears leading to your digital hands across my uniformed body. Unable to see or hear you but you are everywhere. Your digital voice so courteous and monotonous tells me where my dog can poop and I can have a smoke. I see you filled with languages, ages, races, genders, staff and other things I cannot describe haunt my energy like bats into a cave. Deep within your walls filled with merchandise and pale faces I remove my intelligence and take off my thinking hat. Your blue green eyes look at my label and throw your book with ease. Your suitcases roll across my blue dipped toes gently urging the shackles of old. I look at you with a stare that slices your thin lifeless neck. I attack your impression with my literature knowledge. You see what your folks have told you I am, but do not attempt to question the truth that I AM. I inhale your filtered air with ease as the invisible smoke fill my lungs with asthmatic relief. You are a joke that is awaiting laughter. You represent all that I do not stand for, so with the rain you fall for everything. Every lie, every excuse, every "I forgot," everything.....you are nothing. You provide a written escape until you enter my space. I dread you every single day, hoping for the day you and I go away and I enter the world full of air and love for the 'daughter of the sunlight.' Soon, very soon, I will kiss your filtered air and your XXL blue stigma goodbye forever. No more will I lower myself to this again. I did not go to College for this crap. I did not invest in myself to work amongst dumb dumbs. This is not where it starts or begins, this is not my end. WATCH and SEE

Now

Ok, so here's where I am today. After the whirlwind my little heart endured on Friday, the days following I detoxed and re introduced my appetite as strict vegetarian. For the last 4 almost 5 years I have been a vegetarian and have struggled to maintain a stable weight, well with this new level of basically eliminating all animal foods I feel this will be even better. So I have kept my personal promise to myself and am now vegan. Now this is no easy task and is not cheap which I discovered today at the supermarket, but the energy and holistic approach to life I have taken, this is a natural progression.

Now, about my heart, yesterday was different yet somewhat familiar. There is a thick rope that ties me to the forbidden fruit. Today not a single word has been spoken to reassure me that the dream is reality. I believe it has all been just a silly if not clever, dream that I have unwillingly been awake the whole time. So as I attempt to alter my diet slightly I also am hoping to shed the weight of familiarity and the desires that will NEVER be reality. I thought I was pass this, but as it seems, I am...well I am unsure of where I am. I do however know that as always, all good things must come to an end, when is the end? When will all the magic that supposed to happen, become real for me? When will I finally give all my love to one without fear? Soon, very soon, the truth of love will once and for all take me in as its own and make all my dreams come true.

Today

I am still wired from the events of today. My head is still shaking left to right trying to snap out of the daze I am in. I am still looking outside the window wanting to stay inside because outside the door, reality sets in. My hair is still raveled because of the mystery of it all. I am remembering what happened and am unable to recover the thoughts, because today was a tangible lucid dream that was not at all real. Today unlike any other day I have had in over 5 years has me so lost and nervous and excited and dreamy and anxious and afraid and curious and still and loose and open and incredible and sober and in a very unforgiving energy that I am unable to shake. Something someone shook me to the core and took me to a place I have envisioned but never believed. Something took my inhibitions and brought them to the frontal lobe and said, its OK with me. In this safe place there is nothing and no one that matters in this moment but you and me. It is just the space between now or never that matters, and this is what is urgent, you are what matters right now. You are the song I want to sing, the dance I want to dance, the music I want to hear. Outside this space clouds dimmed the sun casting a blue hue so very rich and strong enclosing the force begging to burst through. Moments danced across my shoulders waiting to happen. Memories were yearning to be made remembered and forgotten or stored in the caves of my consciousness. Silence was the sound I heard pounding my ears as my heart stood still and pliable. The grips of self and logic were sifted through my hands like putty. For this moment in this time in this place in this space, this was dream fulfilled. This was mine, this was what movies are made of. This is all that mattered. This is the reason behind the question, why?

I sit and look at you unable to reach you because you are gone to a different place and in that place I am invisible. I breath you in holding my exhale for fear that the release will dissipate and whisk you away too soon and never bring you back. I became numb and immobile with fear. Paralyzed from the eyes out, too many thoughts too fast. Too many numbers too little sequences. Right on point, body just at the right angle for luxury. Transfixed by the weight of the control slipping into oblivion it was in the final tic that it was too much. I opened my mouth and exhaled and let the fear win. I was completely in its trance and fell into bed and the cold air outside the space sent me into chaos.

What was that?

Work

I have been thinking a lot about the state I am in. I find myself oftentimes saddened by the lack of work I have produced since College. I have taken a long deep look at the list of available excuses and resolved to find the truth. The truth is I simply have not had or felt a reason to write any stories. I also accept that I am dependent on the creative energy of other writers, particularly those seated in the semi-circle of any Fiction class at CCC. So what does this mean for me now? Glad you asked. This means that I am in fact wasting my talent by blogging only about my foolish emotions when I should be writing. It also means that because of my co dependency issues, I need an accountability partner, someone to hold me responsible for pushing myself to write everyday. Perhaps this means grad school??? Perhaps this means writers group.?? Whatever it means, I digress. Writing is what I love and reading as much as I do, I need to do what makes me happy, to write and share the gift God gave me with the world.

If only I knew how to do that

Again

Since it has been some time since I have posted on this blog I will provide some insight. I have seen very little change in this thing called "love." I have in fact looked in a familiar direction and found comfort that eludes potential.
Watching my favorite movie "Love Jones" definitely does not help lift the mood I'm in.
The blues in my left thigh trying to become the funk in my right...wonderful

OK. So my intention was to share about love and what I have discovered in the last few months. Here is what I believe to be true: Real love never dies, Real love happens once, when its real you know it, you don't have to interpret it because you can trust it. It hurts sometimes but lasts forever. In spite of time, distance and people, real love is beautiful.
I am loved
I do love
I love you
yes, I do