?uestions

I like to believe that I have a keen sense of intelligence and curiosity. I also would like to believe that the things that I question, are also questions others want answers to. For instance, a tragic death (murder-suicide) has occurred to a loved one's family and my question is "How could she not have known?" I wonder if when through the direct notion of the Holy Spirit, the truth is revealed about things, people and situations, how come we do not listen and respond by trusting His guidance? I often ask, then punish myself because I did not heed the word of warning, only to find the outcome of my disobedience or ignorance to be disappointing. I have so many questions, that this little note will not be sufficient or I will tire of typing. So to get some of the relief I desire from life itself I'll list a few:

why did she have to die?
why did it have to happen so violently to such a beautiful life?
why does my body hurt so much, and when will it heal itself?
what did I do so bad, that he had to leave?
why am I not being consistent in anything?
what really happens after death?
how can she stay with him, and be so unhappy?
when will my 'ship' really come in?
what am I so afraid of, why am I giving fear so much power?
whose to say that his heart can't change?
what is freedom?
why is ignorance amongst people normal?
what is it that keeps some young black men from wanting to try and succeed?
what will it take for me to lose the weight and keep it off?
when will I really know the love of Christ and it keeps me?
what will it take for me to get ahead?
what is it like to have a 'real' job?
what makes people think and do the things we do?
when will I get serious about my writing?
where are all my friends?
why ask?

marriage

what is it about two people being exclusively dedicated, long-term to one another, right in the sight of God in Holy matrimony that drives people to the edge? I know long, first sentence,question (read on). Recently my folks have hit a bump in this road to happily ever after that makes me question the state of marriage. Let me dig into my own history so this can make sense. I have been married before, it didn't work for a lot of obvious reasons, but without a doubt I love the man I married. Sure we were clueless, immature and selfish, however we decided to cut costs by making two into one. It was a convenience for both parties, but turned out to be incredibly aggressive. Now let's go back further, when my mom and father were together their marriage was a train wreck in slow motion, my father clearly had no idea how to be a father and a husband (not sure why because his parents have been married over 50 years), so he resorted to a careless lifestyle of drugs, adultery, abuse and abandonment. Flash forward twenty years. My mom has since remarried and is not happy. This troubles me because, it diffuses my hope of a better chance the 'second time around.' Watching her walk under the selfish hand of another person, muting her dreams and desires truly makes me want to scream and carry her away to the islands and drink fruity spirits ....lol! This sounds a bit whimsical, but its my truth. I am torn between my own hopes and comforted by my past failure at marriage. Deep down I know that marriage can be a beautiful experience but somehow it doesn't seen to turn out that way. I have a friend who was recently engaged to what was believed to be 'the one,' I have another friend who is a habitual cheater and their spouse is reluctant to believe the truth. I have a girlfriend that gave birth and presumed marriage was inevitable, so I do have my queries. Can this mean that no matter what, marriages don't last or are built on empty promises and fairy tales? I am unsure but I plan to dig deep and figuure some things out. Whose to say its sacred, whose to say man has the right to enslave the woman with his own insecurities and ungodly control, whose to say that it can't work? I really want to know

Give Thanks

Well, well, all is well. It is official, we have been transplanted to HP, providing us with a plether of creativity, opportunity, fun, culture, arts and well-crafted entertainment. The move had a few bumps in the road but when we opened the door, inhaled the bitter tinge of fresh paint, we all exhaled a sigh of relief. The safety challenge is minimal and the potential is enormous. In the few weeks here we have felt the distinct history come alive, and for this I am thankful. My peace from the Lord breezes through the air welcoming us home.
We recently went away for the weekend, had a vigorous excursion that was complemented by the return to our new apartment home. The wait seemed long, yet at the last hour when I was ready to give up, He opened up the Heavens on our behalf. I love...(repeat) love coming home. I miss my cat, Boop, but my sister claims he is adjusting well living with her. Finally, this has happened to me and I am excited.
THANK YOU FATHER
Lead and guide us, so that YOU get ALL THE GLORY!

Something's on my mind

So let's see what's new...Well I got a new gig, not much but at least it gives me something else to do, uh going to be moving soon...great!!! However what has me troubled is now the lack of time I used to have when I spent my days in total fellowship with the Father. I miss this place so very much and am starting to realize more and more, that this walk really is independent. I used to think wow, how great life could be if "two walked together and agree." I realize that statement of verse has its conditions, for two must have one thing (at least:-0) in common, that being that we must live for Christ everyday!!! I have found myself in somewhat of a delicious loop, the sweet taste of sin that has decided to take up permanent residence in the form of relationship. Because of this, I must return back to the love that has sustained my sometimes fruitless life for fear that all other love is futile. I do not like what I am permitting to happen, feeling like I'm abusing the abundant grace, and forgetting the wages of sin is.......well you know the rest. Have I lost that secret place in two short months?....... No I know I have not lost anything, I just miss the time when I was alone and only spoke of the goodness of the good Lord and all the wonders of what He does for all of us.
Again, I will state 'church' and all it represents has been a constant in my life like nothing else and the fact that I choose to live a life that may not be popular, comes as no surprise. I simply yet wholeheartedly love this life. I find no substitution for living this life that is not great all the time, but is ALL THE TIME GREAT! Yes I take pleasure in other things in life but only because it shows another layer of the brilliancy of God. Everything, all roads, all decisions I make must be under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, for I am not ashamed. I do believe, that two walking together in agreement, at least for me means I choose to walk with, in and for Christ...knowing I am never alone. I want it all back, my dance, my prayer life that at times overwhelms me, and my worship, most importantly my attitude that I choose life which means I don't choose sin.

P.S. There's a story I'm thinking of..... a woman, falls for a man and then gets so wrapped up in him that she falls deep into sin....is so hurt from the wound that love leaves that she runs so hard back to grace that she becomes a "Fool for Christ, a Jesus freak." She lives daily crucifying her flesh and God uses her in a way far beyond even her fiction dreams could imagine. She lives a celibate single life, loses some so called friends, but is received with open arms into Abraham's bosom, knowing the obedience was far greater than the sacrifice.....sound familiar?

The King Lives

Make no mistake about it, today is a sad day for fans across the world, MJJ is gone. Quickly I wondered, did he know the Lord, did he have a personal relationship with the King of kings and the Lord of lords? I wondered will he now enjoy eternal life? I repented for everything I could think of (funny how death warns us all of our own immortality) and asked God to help me so that I am ready when he calls. Just this morning I read in Matthew 24 about the signs of the end of the age, and the bible spoke clearly of people that will ignore his truths and then I thought again. Did the news of the death of Jesus spread across the world this fast, were those near and far to him mourning with heavy hearts, were there memorials set-up at the foot of the cross, or his grave, I'm guessing not, why? Because unlike any before or after Him, He Rose!!! And because He rose, we Live and therefore have the promise of eternal life. In spite of the path we must all take, there is one decision that matters, have you accepted Jesus into your heart? If so, HALLELUJAH, see you in glory alongside our King. If not here's your chance, say this prayer.....Heavenly Father I confess my sins unto thee, I ask for your forgiveness. I believe you sent your only son Jesus to die for me, I believe he was resurrected and lives forever and because of that I ask you to come into my life, free me from the bondage of sin, cause me to live for you all the days of my life. I believe you and thank you for saving me, Amen. Congratulations!!!! You are now a part of the family of other believers you, like me have a beautiful promise better than anything, the promise of redemption through the tender mercy and amazing grace of God our Father, whose son paid the ultimate sacrifice, his life. Because Christ gave his life you now have eternal life. From this day forward, live unto the King, that reigns supreme!!! Proverbs 3: 5-6, John 3:16

To my neighbors

Please stop the tug of war
between the hearts
Let love flow instead of blood
slandering names
profanity- a weak mind's game
Can't take no more.
You frighten me with your midnight hallway fights
yell from the streets below, shaking my sleep into panic
I wonder who you are,
some sister seeking dumb love
some brother trying to prove his place.
This tug of war
between the hearts
keeps us apart.
I do not want to touch you
for fear that your fighting is contagious
PLEASE STOP!
spread love that was given to you from mama,
be to your child the example of a good brother.
Sister be strong, command respect before the sex
shake loose the game, that only leads to pain
No retirement plan
no 401Ks
just side effects
of tattered necks
loud mouths, unholy and sweaty
Pick up what you left
stop the tug of war
between two hearts

My truth...oh lawd!

I have to write about this, because it is killing me inside. So, yes I have graduated from college, whoo hoo! Right? Wrong, During all four years of fiction writing intensives, I did not engage with anyone beyond the classroom. I did not submit ANYTHING! I did not go to any other events other than those required to complete my studies. The problem? Glad you asked. The problem is FEAR, an enemy for most of us. But for me the fear of rejection strangled every effort. I know that I live in my head a lot always assuming that success will come with little to no effort, but it also this same imagination that keeps me from stepping out. I am embarrassed to say, "I am not working on anything," There I said it. I prefer not to call myself a writer, because I am unpublished, because I have not submitted. I have years of great story starts sitting in my file cabinet, doing no good. And yet at this point I am frustrated because I am not able to work in the industry. How can I expect to be hired, when I have nothing but this sporadic blog to show for myself. Why is this, why am I like this? There are people in my life that will tell me to write about this experience and make something of it. The problem is not writing, its "what do I do now?" that boggles me. I have experienced things in my life that can help others, but somehow I do not like to be vulnerable and if I share, I will have to be open to criticism, (but that's another issue). Keeping things in, is destroying me physically. I know the direct result can only get worse if I do not get this stuff out of my head and into public view, so what am I to do? Please, I feel at times going to school was a waste of four years that only resulted in a bunch of journals. I know there are others that understand. So I will use this to size up my interests.
YES I LOVE TO WRITE
what kind of writing?
Short Stories ranging from love and relationships to faith and religion
what are you working on now?
OH GOD, NOT AGAIN WITH THAT:-)
what would you like to do?
Get published and work in a company that lets me do the writing and editing.
what's stopping you?
.........

What's New???

So, yes I'll admit, it has been some time since I wrote. So I will keep it short and sweet. Lord help me with my unbelief...in myself. Help me to believe that I can make it and that I can trust you in EVERYTHING!

Intimacy

They that hunger and thirst for righteousness, shall be filled. Day 33 and wow, what a wonderful change that has come over me. The plan was to loose a few xtra pounds, and along with that I have lost a lot...my love for the world. Let me explain, I've been in church my entire life and just sort of went along with the program. Went through the "finding my own truth" stage, went through the whole charades of "church folks" that breeds jokes and intense criticism. I did all this with no real sense of what its all about. Now, the reasons are more profound than ever, we (I) were made to simply give and serve for the glory of God. Our struggles can be reduced if we focus on him rather than anything else. That is happening right now in me, and there's a lot of work to be done. Yes the weight is coming off (through disciplined eating, accountability and exercise) but most importantly I have a new level of sincere intimacy with the Father that draws me to his word daily and a prayer life that flows outwardly for His glory. So yes, Im feeling good, growing up in Christ, being accountable, getting myself out of the way. Though not quite "there" yet, but am committed to walking the talk.
Diet Programs $300.00
Fitness Class $ 100.00
Freedom in Christ $Priceless

New Day, New Me?

As I praised my way into the new year, I shook a lot of things off. I left the fear and weight of the previous year behind. What I took on was this idea of victory. The victory was given to me on the cross, so much that life can be a whole lot easier. To avoid the dreadful resolutions I did not verbalize my intentions. Instead I acted. Day 4 and day 2 of courses to discipline my faith walk and this brings the most joy. Yes being a single mom can at times be dreary, but even in parenting, victory is mine. I know challenges are ahead but it is the mental state than can impact the greatest. So yes this is a new day to decide to walk iin defeat or victory; I choose victory.