Self Exam

Yesterday, in spite of all the gatherings and delicacies, I found myself confused. I took note of my family and all the curves the women proudly bare and thought I figured out something about each one. What I actually discovered was something about myself. This past year was one I'd like to quickly recover from. I had some major Celebrations, but also 7 months of lack. In this lack my physical self took on a new look , a look that seems to want to stick around. I have fought with myself finding creative new ways to overhaul my already strict vegetarian diet in hopes of shedding this new look. Each week or month I'd try something else and when the going got tough I quit and resumed my lack luster lifestyle. But it was yesterday that I learned another not so happy detail of my not so fabulous life, I battle with insecurities, both physically and spiritually. For instance when I sleep, I am tormented by fear of death and hell. When I am awake I torment myself by not accepting myself the way that it is. I spend a lot of time focusing on the not so slim areas which drag me down a slope of depression that at times in unbearable. With all I have to be thankful for, and with all that is good in my life my image of myself is bad and it keep me from being the person I know I can be. As I watched my female family members bask in unassumed confidence, I left feeling as empty as my plate is at KFC. Today I had to reflect and in this time knew why this year and my writing career has taken a stand still, I have to learn ( but how ) to love and accept me the way that I am. To no surprise God, my creator knows this and everything else about me, and gave his son for me already so I would not have to live this incomplete life. Yet I still do, can't seem to just take it all in. Indeed we all have expectations of ourselves that drive us further in life or insane, but this year for me has had a most negative effect on me, and my children notice it as well. What am I supposed to do?