Members Society

That title sounds cool, right? Makes you want to read further on and see if your idea of membership and society are similar to my own, right? Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is not at all about a society but a response to a blog I'm reading.
Back story: Ms SNH has been seen a lot in life and rarely heard. This is because she does not want the battle of acceptance vs. rejection to ensue. So she hides the mental labyrinth in hopes of keeping intruders away. She is easy on the eyes which scares her because it is physical and not at all how she sees herself. (BTW, yes she is writing of herself on her blog in third person....and yes she is being ambitious with that liberty) She has lived a life of separation from her truth because she fears judgment from the planet that offers such hope...NOT! In fact in her perfect world she lives in greens, blues and clear water and hunts to no avail. Yes she is somewhat amazing in her thinking process but it is her musings that clearly define her. Every word has a point of entry and can be traced  to sign across her heart that beats only for one, the MOST HIGH!.  Of all that matters in life to her nothing and no one compares to Him. But this post is not about that..go to dying daily for that.

So the blog I am reading is from a transplant and in spite of grammar is quite interesting. I have found a renewed love for the written word and have continued to profess that I am writing this book though at times is stagnant and without reason. My studies tell me all the semantics of my craft, but the subject seems to resonate over all my work...I write what I know and I know me. So to one writer who seeks meaning in language I say write what you know and in that you are writing what is truth.  But back to what this is about. Recently this SNH has taken another exit from the windy city to the city that never sleeps and once again found herself in the company of love. She loves this place so intently that she must be there everyday for the next whenever. She has set a date for this move and will have to face her fears during the 10 hour drive to "home."

Yes to spread love is the Brooklyn way (sorry) but the love she wants to spread is the love of ABBA  for no other love is really love. Yes she still believes in love but is not seeking it...or is she?

At the very least, workshops, deadlines, content writing, training, bills, exhaust pipes, fur balls, dust mites, periods, alarms, no parking, alternate parking?, worship, carfare, internship, allowances, deductions, exemptions, dreams, programs, music, dope, cloves, vodka, meds, fish oil capsules, tofu, bloggarrhea, cats, no dogs, dates, assignments, loans, payments, income (not enough), hopes, tires, eyebrows, heels, Corinth, friends, family, love, fear, pain, balance, hype, break and stay is a part of everyday for me and to write, to dance, to sing is what frees me. So write love, write until you are out of ideas and then write some more.

Resignation

As of yesterday and all that it represents, it is now stated officially. I SUCK AT LOVE AND THEREBY RESIGN MY CANDIDACY. This  means I will not run for, after or from love. I will not seek solace in its acceptance. I have opened up my heart to its acceptance only to be kicked to the curb like a homeless veteran. So I say to the last few especially CLF....thanks for nothing. Thanks for sharing but not really caring. If sharing is caring you clearly don't give a f&*(.  If love is blind I need glasses. If love conquers all, I surrender. If love is patient and kind, I'm exhausted and angry. To senor....whatever! To MDB????. Its days like today when the need to be explicit and honest lead me. Its moments like the one right now when I must stand up and walk away from this losing game. Its moments like today when I wish the one love I had stayed intact and I never have to go through this nonsense ever again. To all those that came  after love left I bid you adieu. I say no to love as it has brutally said HELL NO to me. I think I am a beautiful beauty well worth loves invitation, but the most high has spoken and said, not right now. Its like why bother with the idea of what is not?

It would be quite easy to surrender my body for its cruel imitation, but that would be more useless and foolish and quite frankly, idiotic. Yes there are nights, days, months where I crave a touch of  love and go through my contacts and quickly decide otherwise, but even that is futile. I only wanted one love and I've not seen it as pure as the first. I've not shared the love of Christ and the passion of life together since the first love. None have quite surpassed the standard. Am I complaining...yea but only to come to and accept the resolution. I quit! I say to love, you won and always win with matters of the heart, so no thank you to this sickness. I will continue to tame this flesh and renew my love for the most high and you are no longer welcome here.

Update

So a lot has happened since the last post but the most recent of these events have shifted me into complete oblivion. I have tasted and smelled pain so consistently that at times I questioned my place in life. Love played a terrible joke on me....again.  I said yes to what resembled love and took a serious risk only to have the last laugh played across my heart and body. I stepped in the passing lane and watched the apples fall by the road while my heart went along for the ride. I lost but this time the damage was minimal. So being the intense creature of habit  I am I have returned to the comfort zone where love remains an unsolved mystery and very uninviting.

Since the BK, the change at home has come full circle and the manifest was difficult at times but  I'm okay with all of it now. I have come to accept the single lady lifestyle with ease...well most days. My children have blossomed into fuller beanstalks (no pun intended). We are preparing to surrender the eldest to the grounds of higher education with a single thought, desire and prayer...SUCCESS. I am confident things will work out though at times I'm concerned. Life has been hard but we are getting through it at my amazement each day.

So....this little note here is also to express my joy of a wonderful new friendship forming. Gracias senor EM.

This is also to highlight more change....I am ready to move I am ready for ownership. I am ready to defend and conquer all that matters to me...and that is a whole lot. I stand for one thing and its the love of the Father which means I follow none but become all things for all to win some..ADieu

nfl

Days pass like years, hours like weeks, minutes like centuries that I was not a part of. Moments drip like coffee waiting for love. Breaths are quick and tattered waiting for love. Wanting so desperately to be in sync forever waiting for love. Safety security withholding my love from me, taking each gap further than before. Come closer

truth

Have you loved for so long that it is embedded in your identity? Before I knew the cliche what love is (though lately I've questioned the notion), before life spread me across the carpet of heartbreak hotel. Before I could express what I felt, before I could say its name. Before puberty, periods, post partum, attitudes, anger, abuse, hope, desperation, jealousy, struggle, depression and disappointment. Before pregnancy and PTA meetings, before denial and divorce, before vows and virginity, before love songs and lactate, before judge and jury, before the power of pain, there was him. The love that withstands time. The love that stretches and runs deep, the love that is tribal and sacred, the love that was real before I could say it. Before I would ever know that love is conditional, it was him. Before the last train to Brooklyn left it was him. More than two decades ago I met what would become my NFL, the one whose presence has always seemed fleeting. The one who trumps all others the one who because of his absence gave room for others to hurt me and leave scars skin deep. Before all of those experiences taught me a thing or two about myself and men, it was him. Before during and after it will always be him. A word a song a book a definition a poem cannot define what this means to me. Nothing compares nothing in this side of the world, in this here temple can ever come in the same space as this. Until I am able to fully embrace the divinity of it all, I am forever waiting. I am always hoping but never finding the right time when lives collide and burst forth beauty. Foolishly I believe in the highest greatest love of all..him. Foolishly I dance the night crawl in search of what I can only find in him. Foolishly I wait for once to happen forever... I adore you

Sometimes

Recently I have been listening to "Sometimes" by Bilal. In case you're unfamiliar, he uses the word "sometimes" as a catch phrase to state some concerns in a beautiful melody. I heard this song and have listened to it every day for the last two weeks. I have a moment to pay homage to this tune as I "sometimes" have questions on my own of myself and of others....

SOMETIMES...I wish I wasn't so naive, I knew how to let go, I still had the life of Sierra. I wish I could love truly and deeply. I wish he loved me enough to stay forever. I wish I didn't cut my hair. I wish I had perfect health. I were more social. I don't have to always wait for everything while others stride through life. I want to hear "Yes, Negetarian, we would love to have you." I heard "Congratulations, welcome home to the apple, we're so glad you're here, sit down stay a while." The money I've given out really does come back 100 fold. I were debt-free. My two children live to see forever. I live a good life that doesn't have duality. That Big son can smile in confidence. I want to be able to afford to splurge every now and then on my family. Visit every continent. I were better to Him sometimes. Sometimes I wish I knew the truth about my family and came clean about my own suffering. I could have a drink to take the pain away. I had no stretch marks. I had very nice teeth and hazel eyes....sometimes. Wrote a book and it became a nytimes bestseller, wouldn't that be nice. Sometimes that I waited to give my treasure away before marriage. Bore no shame of my identity. I could sew, sing and play guitar...lol.
Sometimes that I didn't have to itemize my life

Notice

I desire to serve God with my whole heart and do not wish to straddle the fence and play with fire. I do not wish to toy with my past. I do not desire to walk in or with those that do not speak the love of Christ that I desire. This means I will lose friends and family. This means I will gain an insatiable love of God and desire Him more than anything, anyone else in the world. To you I say, what matters most? Are you choosing Christ over everything else? If today is the last, will He know you before His Father?

Clearly

At the very least all that I can say is that love is blind and beautiful. I would like to add that love is a difficult phenomenon that is hard at times to explain. As much as people (self included) want it, it comes with some responsibilities. I know that I am loved and am capable of giving love, however I am stumped over the form it comes in. I used to believe that love is dead and that marriage is for old folks, I am beginning to think differently.

I want to share more about this but cannot because I am unsure of what it all means. Love is golden, sharing is amazing, live and love well

Am I Saved

Yes, you read it right. I am asking the question, Am I saved? Why? Because my salvation has been assumed, presumed and directed. It has become very clear over the last months that I have simply become accustomed to doing as I was told....without any clear moment of conversion. I grew up in the church, in fact it is the only institution I am completely and utterly committed to. Naturally every step taken has been carefully guided by my family, preachers and teacher alike, all with my expected consent. This past weekend I was faced with the question..."AM I SAVED?" My answer will be found here.
It is my desire to discover the truth in my life without being told what and how to live the Christian Life. Yes I am thankful for the upbringing that has kept me in the safety net of the church, but there is something I am seeking beyond the border of the physical temple. I now know that a change has not taken place independently in my life that I can recall to announce my conversion, I have simply did as I was told.

This I want no more of. I want to know God for myself. So today I took the first steps, I confessed every sin that came to mind (a very long tear-filled list) and asked for forgiveness. In the midst of my tears, I was told to reconcile relationships with three VIPs in my life, so far all is well. One more hurdle to cross. I plan to share this journey here and discover what I have talked about my entire life but never truly experienced.....right relationship with Christ.

?uestions

I like to believe that I have a keen sense of intelligence and curiosity. I also would like to believe that the things that I question, are also questions others want answers to. For instance, a tragic death (murder-suicide) has occurred to a loved one's family and my question is "How could she not have known?" I wonder if when through the direct notion of the Holy Spirit, the truth is revealed about things, people and situations, how come we do not listen and respond by trusting His guidance? I often ask, then punish myself because I did not heed the word of warning, only to find the outcome of my disobedience or ignorance to be disappointing. I have so many questions, that this little note will not be sufficient or I will tire of typing. So to get some of the relief I desire from life itself I'll list a few:

why did she have to die?
why did it have to happen so violently to such a beautiful life?
why does my body hurt so much, and when will it heal itself?
what did I do so bad, that he had to leave?
why am I not being consistent in anything?
what really happens after death?
how can she stay with him, and be so unhappy?
when will my 'ship' really come in?
what am I so afraid of, why am I giving fear so much power?
whose to say that his heart can't change?
what is freedom?
why is ignorance amongst people normal?
what is it that keeps some young black men from wanting to try and succeed?
what will it take for me to lose the weight and keep it off?
when will I really know the love of Christ and it keeps me?
what will it take for me to get ahead?
what is it like to have a 'real' job?
what makes people think and do the things we do?
when will I get serious about my writing?
where are all my friends?
why ask?