Members Society

That title sounds cool, right? Makes you want to read further on and see if your idea of membership and society are similar to my own, right? Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is not at all about a society but a response to a blog I'm reading.
Back story: Ms SNH has been seen a lot in life and rarely heard. This is because she does not want the battle of acceptance vs. rejection to ensue. So she hides the mental labyrinth in hopes of keeping intruders away. She is easy on the eyes which scares her because it is physical and not at all how she sees herself. (BTW, yes she is writing of herself on her blog in third person....and yes she is being ambitious with that liberty) She has lived a life of separation from her truth because she fears judgment from the planet that offers such hope...NOT! In fact in her perfect world she lives in greens, blues and clear water and hunts to no avail. Yes she is somewhat amazing in her thinking process but it is her musings that clearly define her. Every word has a point of entry and can be traced  to sign across her heart that beats only for one, the MOST HIGH!.  Of all that matters in life to her nothing and no one compares to Him. But this post is not about that..go to dying daily for that.

So the blog I am reading is from a transplant and in spite of grammar is quite interesting. I have found a renewed love for the written word and have continued to profess that I am writing this book though at times is stagnant and without reason. My studies tell me all the semantics of my craft, but the subject seems to resonate over all my work...I write what I know and I know me. So to one writer who seeks meaning in language I say write what you know and in that you are writing what is truth.  But back to what this is about. Recently this SNH has taken another exit from the windy city to the city that never sleeps and once again found herself in the company of love. She loves this place so intently that she must be there everyday for the next whenever. She has set a date for this move and will have to face her fears during the 10 hour drive to "home."

Yes to spread love is the Brooklyn way (sorry) but the love she wants to spread is the love of ABBA  for no other love is really love. Yes she still believes in love but is not seeking it...or is she?

At the very least, workshops, deadlines, content writing, training, bills, exhaust pipes, fur balls, dust mites, periods, alarms, no parking, alternate parking?, worship, carfare, internship, allowances, deductions, exemptions, dreams, programs, music, dope, cloves, vodka, meds, fish oil capsules, tofu, bloggarrhea, cats, no dogs, dates, assignments, loans, payments, income (not enough), hopes, tires, eyebrows, heels, Corinth, friends, family, love, fear, pain, balance, hype, break and stay is a part of everyday for me and to write, to dance, to sing is what frees me. So write love, write until you are out of ideas and then write some more.

Resignation

As of yesterday and all that it represents, it is now stated officially. I SUCK AT LOVE AND THEREBY RESIGN MY CANDIDACY. This  means I will not run for, after or from love. I will not seek solace in its acceptance. I have opened up my heart to its acceptance only to be kicked to the curb like a homeless veteran. So I say to the last few especially CLF....thanks for nothing. Thanks for sharing but not really caring. If sharing is caring you clearly don't give a f&*(.  If love is blind I need glasses. If love conquers all, I surrender. If love is patient and kind, I'm exhausted and angry. To senor....whatever! To MDB????. Its days like today when the need to be explicit and honest lead me. Its moments like the one right now when I must stand up and walk away from this losing game. Its moments like today when I wish the one love I had stayed intact and I never have to go through this nonsense ever again. To all those that came  after love left I bid you adieu. I say no to love as it has brutally said HELL NO to me. I think I am a beautiful beauty well worth loves invitation, but the most high has spoken and said, not right now. Its like why bother with the idea of what is not?

It would be quite easy to surrender my body for its cruel imitation, but that would be more useless and foolish and quite frankly, idiotic. Yes there are nights, days, months where I crave a touch of  love and go through my contacts and quickly decide otherwise, but even that is futile. I only wanted one love and I've not seen it as pure as the first. I've not shared the love of Christ and the passion of life together since the first love. None have quite surpassed the standard. Am I complaining...yea but only to come to and accept the resolution. I quit! I say to love, you won and always win with matters of the heart, so no thank you to this sickness. I will continue to tame this flesh and renew my love for the most high and you are no longer welcome here.

Update

So a lot has happened since the last post but the most recent of these events have shifted me into complete oblivion. I have tasted and smelled pain so consistently that at times I questioned my place in life. Love played a terrible joke on me....again.  I said yes to what resembled love and took a serious risk only to have the last laugh played across my heart and body. I stepped in the passing lane and watched the apples fall by the road while my heart went along for the ride. I lost but this time the damage was minimal. So being the intense creature of habit  I am I have returned to the comfort zone where love remains an unsolved mystery and very uninviting.

Since the BK, the change at home has come full circle and the manifest was difficult at times but  I'm okay with all of it now. I have come to accept the single lady lifestyle with ease...well most days. My children have blossomed into fuller beanstalks (no pun intended). We are preparing to surrender the eldest to the grounds of higher education with a single thought, desire and prayer...SUCCESS. I am confident things will work out though at times I'm concerned. Life has been hard but we are getting through it at my amazement each day.

So....this little note here is also to express my joy of a wonderful new friendship forming. Gracias senor EM.

This is also to highlight more change....I am ready to move I am ready for ownership. I am ready to defend and conquer all that matters to me...and that is a whole lot. I stand for one thing and its the love of the Father which means I follow none but become all things for all to win some..ADieu

Work

I have been thinking a lot about the state I am in. I find myself oftentimes saddened by the lack of work I have produced since College. I have taken a long deep look at the list of available excuses and resolved to find the truth. The truth is I simply have not had or felt a reason to write any stories. I also accept that I am dependent on the creative energy of other writers, particularly those seated in the semi-circle of any Fiction class at CCC. So what does this mean for me now? Glad you asked. This means that I am in fact wasting my talent by blogging only about my foolish emotions when I should be writing. It also means that because of my co dependency issues, I need an accountability partner, someone to hold me responsible for pushing myself to write everyday. Perhaps this means grad school??? Perhaps this means writers group.?? Whatever it means, I digress. Writing is what I love and reading as much as I do, I need to do what makes me happy, to write and share the gift God gave me with the world.

If only I knew how to do that

Again

Since it has been some time since I have posted on this blog I will provide some insight. I have seen very little change in this thing called "love." I have in fact looked in a familiar direction and found comfort that eludes potential.
Watching my favorite movie "Love Jones" definitely does not help lift the mood I'm in.
The blues in my left thigh trying to become the funk in my right...wonderful

OK. So my intention was to share about love and what I have discovered in the last few months. Here is what I believe to be true: Real love never dies, Real love happens once, when its real you know it, you don't have to interpret it because you can trust it. It hurts sometimes but lasts forever. In spite of time, distance and people, real love is beautiful.
I am loved
I do love
I love you
yes, I do

Notice

I desire to serve God with my whole heart and do not wish to straddle the fence and play with fire. I do not wish to toy with my past. I do not desire to walk in or with those that do not speak the love of Christ that I desire. This means I will lose friends and family. This means I will gain an insatiable love of God and desire Him more than anything, anyone else in the world. To you I say, what matters most? Are you choosing Christ over everything else? If today is the last, will He know you before His Father?

Clearly

At the very least all that I can say is that love is blind and beautiful. I would like to add that love is a difficult phenomenon that is hard at times to explain. As much as people (self included) want it, it comes with some responsibilities. I know that I am loved and am capable of giving love, however I am stumped over the form it comes in. I used to believe that love is dead and that marriage is for old folks, I am beginning to think differently.

I want to share more about this but cannot because I am unsure of what it all means. Love is golden, sharing is amazing, live and love well

Better

Sometimes there are tough decisions that have to be made. People will get hurt and pain will most certainly ensue. However one decision cannot be compromised, the walk of Faith. When one decides to walk in Christ, be prepared for battle but also be comforted knowing that victory is in Christ. When I decided to follow after Him, I did not know who or what would impact my life. I had no idea that there would be as much pain as I have experienced, but I am so thankful. I am thankful because through the pain I have consistently returned to the love of the Father. Many have come and gone, and because of that I have not fully opened my heart to love. Yes I love, but I cannot with honesty say that I am convinced. I have come to realize that when you say you are a believer, your fruit will speak volumes. More than money, success, fame or any other selfish gain, I want God pleased with my life. I believe that to love me is to first Love GOD. Because I am a parent then the love for me has to include loving my children. At no point in love should there ever be a bending of the rules for any reason. This has become my life, but this will not be my life. I have promised over and over again to not do this or that, to only be in the exact contradiction. And why, because of what...some fallacy of love? There is a wind of change blowing in my life and I have to be free to be able to embrace it. I cannot make the will of God right my wrong, nor can I dare think I can change anyone. I have tried to be what one needs, but my needs ( obedience in Christ) have been suppressed. The inevitable decision has to be made and with all that is within me I do not want to have to go through this process yet again. But as for me and my house we shall serve the Lord. I have not walked as I have talked, I am hiding a sin that has me trapped, but I choose to walk in Freedom.
I apologize for my disservice, I repent for my disobedience. I accept forgiveness. I will not let this go any further, it is my soul that is at risk and for the first time in a long time, I get it. I know and understand that the wages of sin....death! As I stated at the beginning, some decisions have to be made and sometimes people will not like the outcome. I thank you for the time and do not want there to ever be a question of my sincerity or appear selfish. I am praying as I always have...that the will of God be done.
If only I can make this better, if only I had listened to the Spirit of truth and not my flesh..if only my healing was complete, I could have made a better decision and be a better woman.

Lord help me to not fall again for a lie, lead and guide me, protect and cover my heart. Show me how to love, teach me your ways....please help me to listen to your voice and every decision be your will.