Members Society

That title sounds cool, right? Makes you want to read further on and see if your idea of membership and society are similar to my own, right? Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is not at all about a society but a response to a blog I'm reading.
Back story: Ms SNH has been seen a lot in life and rarely heard. This is because she does not want the battle of acceptance vs. rejection to ensue. So she hides the mental labyrinth in hopes of keeping intruders away. She is easy on the eyes which scares her because it is physical and not at all how she sees herself. (BTW, yes she is writing of herself on her blog in third person....and yes she is being ambitious with that liberty) She has lived a life of separation from her truth because she fears judgment from the planet that offers such hope...NOT! In fact in her perfect world she lives in greens, blues and clear water and hunts to no avail. Yes she is somewhat amazing in her thinking process but it is her musings that clearly define her. Every word has a point of entry and can be traced  to sign across her heart that beats only for one, the MOST HIGH!.  Of all that matters in life to her nothing and no one compares to Him. But this post is not about that..go to dying daily for that.

So the blog I am reading is from a transplant and in spite of grammar is quite interesting. I have found a renewed love for the written word and have continued to profess that I am writing this book though at times is stagnant and without reason. My studies tell me all the semantics of my craft, but the subject seems to resonate over all my work...I write what I know and I know me. So to one writer who seeks meaning in language I say write what you know and in that you are writing what is truth.  But back to what this is about. Recently this SNH has taken another exit from the windy city to the city that never sleeps and once again found herself in the company of love. She loves this place so intently that she must be there everyday for the next whenever. She has set a date for this move and will have to face her fears during the 10 hour drive to "home."

Yes to spread love is the Brooklyn way (sorry) but the love she wants to spread is the love of ABBA  for no other love is really love. Yes she still believes in love but is not seeking it...or is she?

At the very least, workshops, deadlines, content writing, training, bills, exhaust pipes, fur balls, dust mites, periods, alarms, no parking, alternate parking?, worship, carfare, internship, allowances, deductions, exemptions, dreams, programs, music, dope, cloves, vodka, meds, fish oil capsules, tofu, bloggarrhea, cats, no dogs, dates, assignments, loans, payments, income (not enough), hopes, tires, eyebrows, heels, Corinth, friends, family, love, fear, pain, balance, hype, break and stay is a part of everyday for me and to write, to dance, to sing is what frees me. So write love, write until you are out of ideas and then write some more.

Resignation

As of yesterday and all that it represents, it is now stated officially. I SUCK AT LOVE AND THEREBY RESIGN MY CANDIDACY. This  means I will not run for, after or from love. I will not seek solace in its acceptance. I have opened up my heart to its acceptance only to be kicked to the curb like a homeless veteran. So I say to the last few especially CLF....thanks for nothing. Thanks for sharing but not really caring. If sharing is caring you clearly don't give a f&*(.  If love is blind I need glasses. If love conquers all, I surrender. If love is patient and kind, I'm exhausted and angry. To senor....whatever! To MDB????. Its days like today when the need to be explicit and honest lead me. Its moments like the one right now when I must stand up and walk away from this losing game. Its moments like today when I wish the one love I had stayed intact and I never have to go through this nonsense ever again. To all those that came  after love left I bid you adieu. I say no to love as it has brutally said HELL NO to me. I think I am a beautiful beauty well worth loves invitation, but the most high has spoken and said, not right now. Its like why bother with the idea of what is not?

It would be quite easy to surrender my body for its cruel imitation, but that would be more useless and foolish and quite frankly, idiotic. Yes there are nights, days, months where I crave a touch of  love and go through my contacts and quickly decide otherwise, but even that is futile. I only wanted one love and I've not seen it as pure as the first. I've not shared the love of Christ and the passion of life together since the first love. None have quite surpassed the standard. Am I complaining...yea but only to come to and accept the resolution. I quit! I say to love, you won and always win with matters of the heart, so no thank you to this sickness. I will continue to tame this flesh and renew my love for the most high and you are no longer welcome here.

nfl

Days pass like years, hours like weeks, minutes like centuries that I was not a part of. Moments drip like coffee waiting for love. Breaths are quick and tattered waiting for love. Wanting so desperately to be in sync forever waiting for love. Safety security withholding my love from me, taking each gap further than before. Come closer

truth

Have you loved for so long that it is embedded in your identity? Before I knew the cliche what love is (though lately I've questioned the notion), before life spread me across the carpet of heartbreak hotel. Before I could express what I felt, before I could say its name. Before puberty, periods, post partum, attitudes, anger, abuse, hope, desperation, jealousy, struggle, depression and disappointment. Before pregnancy and PTA meetings, before denial and divorce, before vows and virginity, before love songs and lactate, before judge and jury, before the power of pain, there was him. The love that withstands time. The love that stretches and runs deep, the love that is tribal and sacred, the love that was real before I could say it. Before I would ever know that love is conditional, it was him. Before the last train to Brooklyn left it was him. More than two decades ago I met what would become my NFL, the one whose presence has always seemed fleeting. The one who trumps all others the one who because of his absence gave room for others to hurt me and leave scars skin deep. Before all of those experiences taught me a thing or two about myself and men, it was him. Before during and after it will always be him. A word a song a book a definition a poem cannot define what this means to me. Nothing compares nothing in this side of the world, in this here temple can ever come in the same space as this. Until I am able to fully embrace the divinity of it all, I am forever waiting. I am always hoping but never finding the right time when lives collide and burst forth beauty. Foolishly I believe in the highest greatest love of all..him. Foolishly I dance the night crawl in search of what I can only find in him. Foolishly I wait for once to happen forever... I adore you

Now

Ok, so here's where I am today. After the whirlwind my little heart endured on Friday, the days following I detoxed and re introduced my appetite as strict vegetarian. For the last 4 almost 5 years I have been a vegetarian and have struggled to maintain a stable weight, well with this new level of basically eliminating all animal foods I feel this will be even better. So I have kept my personal promise to myself and am now vegan. Now this is no easy task and is not cheap which I discovered today at the supermarket, but the energy and holistic approach to life I have taken, this is a natural progression.

Now, about my heart, yesterday was different yet somewhat familiar. There is a thick rope that ties me to the forbidden fruit. Today not a single word has been spoken to reassure me that the dream is reality. I believe it has all been just a silly if not clever, dream that I have unwillingly been awake the whole time. So as I attempt to alter my diet slightly I also am hoping to shed the weight of familiarity and the desires that will NEVER be reality. I thought I was pass this, but as it seems, I am...well I am unsure of where I am. I do however know that as always, all good things must come to an end, when is the end? When will all the magic that supposed to happen, become real for me? When will I finally give all my love to one without fear? Soon, very soon, the truth of love will once and for all take me in as its own and make all my dreams come true.

Again

Since it has been some time since I have posted on this blog I will provide some insight. I have seen very little change in this thing called "love." I have in fact looked in a familiar direction and found comfort that eludes potential.
Watching my favorite movie "Love Jones" definitely does not help lift the mood I'm in.
The blues in my left thigh trying to become the funk in my right...wonderful

OK. So my intention was to share about love and what I have discovered in the last few months. Here is what I believe to be true: Real love never dies, Real love happens once, when its real you know it, you don't have to interpret it because you can trust it. It hurts sometimes but lasts forever. In spite of time, distance and people, real love is beautiful.
I am loved
I do love
I love you
yes, I do

Clearly

At the very least all that I can say is that love is blind and beautiful. I would like to add that love is a difficult phenomenon that is hard at times to explain. As much as people (self included) want it, it comes with some responsibilities. I know that I am loved and am capable of giving love, however I am stumped over the form it comes in. I used to believe that love is dead and that marriage is for old folks, I am beginning to think differently.

I want to share more about this but cannot because I am unsure of what it all means. Love is golden, sharing is amazing, live and love well

Really

Pain, pain go away Why did you come back, are you here to stay, again?
As has been the story of my life. By design I have avoided anything similar to love. After the one chance that I got that ended bittersweet, I simply gave up. I believed that my heart would never open up to give or receive love. Lately like the fool that I have always been with matters of the heart, I opened up and started to simply believe. Tried to imagine life shared and not have to direct its course. I was completely caught off guard and tried to manage it but its power is beyond my strength. As quickly as the weather can go from hot to cold in the city is as quickly as love laughed at me. Love reminded me that I am not invited to share its bliss. Love told me explicitly that 'Today is not your day and tomorrow does not look good either.' But love, you told me I could come to your world. You said you were sent from heaven just for me and that all I had to do was believe. What happened love, why, how can you pretend that you were for me? How can it be shared between every opposite in creation, but not for me?
So I stepped back, giving love the space to completely overwhelm me and never ever miss me again. Love stepped back, love was never this close, love has said goodbye.....again???

To love, I say, no love, no more, nothing