Missed

Yes I am here in one of the 5 boroughs. Yes I am sharing time and space with 2. My thoughts are a bit convoluted. I need to go out and eat. I need to get dressed and take a long walk in Brooklyn. I want to be at home in my own comfortable space. I miss my children. I miss my family. I miss my car. I miss familiarity. I am thankful for the new job I have. I am so very thankful for the door being opened even though I had days of doubts in spite of several interviews. I am a Manager now and have to continue to rely on the sure foundation and leading of the Holy Spirit. I will feel better once we sign a lease and can be together again everyday. I miss caring for my children. I miss our daily embracing. Am I being a brat? Yes! No complaints on this end just feel a little alone not having family or friends to share life with. I miss my sons and can say I really can not wait to get back home. I am looking forward to the transition because I believe it will go as smooth as this all has these last thirty days. Soon we'll be together

Members Society

That title sounds cool, right? Makes you want to read further on and see if your idea of membership and society are similar to my own, right? Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is not at all about a society but a response to a blog I'm reading.
Back story: Ms SNH has been seen a lot in life and rarely heard. This is because she does not want the battle of acceptance vs. rejection to ensue. So she hides the mental labyrinth in hopes of keeping intruders away. She is easy on the eyes which scares her because it is physical and not at all how she sees herself. (BTW, yes she is writing of herself on her blog in third person....and yes she is being ambitious with that liberty) She has lived a life of separation from her truth because she fears judgment from the planet that offers such hope...NOT! In fact in her perfect world she lives in greens, blues and clear water and hunts to no avail. Yes she is somewhat amazing in her thinking process but it is her musings that clearly define her. Every word has a point of entry and can be traced  to sign across her heart that beats only for one, the MOST HIGH!.  Of all that matters in life to her nothing and no one compares to Him. But this post is not about that..go to dying daily for that.

So the blog I am reading is from a transplant and in spite of grammar is quite interesting. I have found a renewed love for the written word and have continued to profess that I am writing this book though at times is stagnant and without reason. My studies tell me all the semantics of my craft, but the subject seems to resonate over all my work...I write what I know and I know me. So to one writer who seeks meaning in language I say write what you know and in that you are writing what is truth.  But back to what this is about. Recently this SNH has taken another exit from the windy city to the city that never sleeps and once again found herself in the company of love. She loves this place so intently that she must be there everyday for the next whenever. She has set a date for this move and will have to face her fears during the 10 hour drive to "home."

Yes to spread love is the Brooklyn way (sorry) but the love she wants to spread is the love of ABBA  for no other love is really love. Yes she still believes in love but is not seeking it...or is she?

At the very least, workshops, deadlines, content writing, training, bills, exhaust pipes, fur balls, dust mites, periods, alarms, no parking, alternate parking?, worship, carfare, internship, allowances, deductions, exemptions, dreams, programs, music, dope, cloves, vodka, meds, fish oil capsules, tofu, bloggarrhea, cats, no dogs, dates, assignments, loans, payments, income (not enough), hopes, tires, eyebrows, heels, Corinth, friends, family, love, fear, pain, balance, hype, break and stay is a part of everyday for me and to write, to dance, to sing is what frees me. So write love, write until you are out of ideas and then write some more.

WELCOME BACK

"Good writing is dependent on good reading" Saul Williams

So, "What's good?" This blog was started in College in an effort to give a place for the voices of single moms like myself and the semantics of our daily lives. I admit that a huge part of this life for me has been seeking a love to share home with. However, a good friend reminded me of the responsibility I feel I have to this population to have a voice. So I return to the part of life that matters to me...writing.

Do you have a story to share? Has there been a addition to your family? How has the dynamics of being the head of the household, single parenting been lately? Are you excited, frustrated, angry, curious, optimistic, pessimistic, nonchalant, indecisive, anxious, overwhelmed, fatigued,cool, hot, warm, tender-hearted,bummed out, joyful....

Free yourself and the voices that say to you any other thing besides how wonderful you are. I know there are many, many times when you are tired and frustrated at the hand we've been dealt, but hold on. My brothers and sisters there is a strength we have that is only surpassed by ourselves. We belong to a group that have decided to not just make lemonade, but also cook dinner to accompany lemonade. We belong to the group of people that don't give up but press on because we have to, there are child(ren) depending on us for every thing and we must continue.

So welcome again to the place where you are free to share whatever is on your mind and heart for I know the two are not always in sync. I say to you I am proud to call you friend....now share

Resignation

As of yesterday and all that it represents, it is now stated officially. I SUCK AT LOVE AND THEREBY RESIGN MY CANDIDACY. This  means I will not run for, after or from love. I will not seek solace in its acceptance. I have opened up my heart to its acceptance only to be kicked to the curb like a homeless veteran. So I say to the last few especially CLF....thanks for nothing. Thanks for sharing but not really caring. If sharing is caring you clearly don't give a f&*(.  If love is blind I need glasses. If love conquers all, I surrender. If love is patient and kind, I'm exhausted and angry. To senor....whatever! To MDB????. Its days like today when the need to be explicit and honest lead me. Its moments like the one right now when I must stand up and walk away from this losing game. Its moments like today when I wish the one love I had stayed intact and I never have to go through this nonsense ever again. To all those that came  after love left I bid you adieu. I say no to love as it has brutally said HELL NO to me. I think I am a beautiful beauty well worth loves invitation, but the most high has spoken and said, not right now. Its like why bother with the idea of what is not?

It would be quite easy to surrender my body for its cruel imitation, but that would be more useless and foolish and quite frankly, idiotic. Yes there are nights, days, months where I crave a touch of  love and go through my contacts and quickly decide otherwise, but even that is futile. I only wanted one love and I've not seen it as pure as the first. I've not shared the love of Christ and the passion of life together since the first love. None have quite surpassed the standard. Am I complaining...yea but only to come to and accept the resolution. I quit! I say to love, you won and always win with matters of the heart, so no thank you to this sickness. I will continue to tame this flesh and renew my love for the most high and you are no longer welcome here.

Update

So a lot has happened since the last post but the most recent of these events have shifted me into complete oblivion. I have tasted and smelled pain so consistently that at times I questioned my place in life. Love played a terrible joke on me....again.  I said yes to what resembled love and took a serious risk only to have the last laugh played across my heart and body. I stepped in the passing lane and watched the apples fall by the road while my heart went along for the ride. I lost but this time the damage was minimal. So being the intense creature of habit  I am I have returned to the comfort zone where love remains an unsolved mystery and very uninviting.

Since the BK, the change at home has come full circle and the manifest was difficult at times but  I'm okay with all of it now. I have come to accept the single lady lifestyle with ease...well most days. My children have blossomed into fuller beanstalks (no pun intended). We are preparing to surrender the eldest to the grounds of higher education with a single thought, desire and prayer...SUCCESS. I am confident things will work out though at times I'm concerned. Life has been hard but we are getting through it at my amazement each day.

So....this little note here is also to express my joy of a wonderful new friendship forming. Gracias senor EM.

This is also to highlight more change....I am ready to move I am ready for ownership. I am ready to defend and conquer all that matters to me...and that is a whole lot. I stand for one thing and its the love of the Father which means I follow none but become all things for all to win some..ADieu

what more can I say

There are times when at the right moment you will hear a story that rings down to your soul. There are times when just the right words are placed in your memory forever. There are times when what you hear rings so true that it makes you silent and perhaps cry. These moments have been finding their intrusive way into my life lately. This current trip I am on in the big apple has done more to solidify what I already know. The conversations I've eavesdropped and engaged in from a distance have provided an incredible insight into this little world of mine that I want to write. I had a lot of thoughts floating in my head but they have went to a secret place that I am unable to reach now but this line stands out. 'Your spirit is totally completely different from my own and that's OK.'  
Perhaps tomorrow or some other time before I return back home this profound experience will return and I can write about what I feel.

Brooklyn.....again

So I'm here once again in the BK. The love building is walking distance...the sounds of everyday people tap the windows below. Engines roar, food simmers, drinks are poured laughs are shared.....good times are rolling. But there is only one on my mind....love.
Love for me has come in many shapes and forms yet the love I desire has become a strange fruit that I am unsure how to get at it. I have noted every experience in hopes that the moment or the notification is recorded when love breaks forth in my life. Let me make some sense...I'm sick right now because love has decided to grant me a pass and I am scared speechless. Its like how can four letters identify with everything everyone every where

Well I want to say more but sleep calls..