nfl

Days pass like years, hours like weeks, minutes like centuries that I was not a part of. Moments drip like coffee waiting for love. Breaths are quick and tattered waiting for love. Wanting so desperately to be in sync forever waiting for love. Safety security withholding my love from me, taking each gap further than before. Come closer

truth

Have you loved for so long that it is embedded in your identity? Before I knew the cliche what love is (though lately I've questioned the notion), before life spread me across the carpet of heartbreak hotel. Before I could express what I felt, before I could say its name. Before puberty, periods, post partum, attitudes, anger, abuse, hope, desperation, jealousy, struggle, depression and disappointment. Before pregnancy and PTA meetings, before denial and divorce, before vows and virginity, before love songs and lactate, before judge and jury, before the power of pain, there was him. The love that withstands time. The love that stretches and runs deep, the love that is tribal and sacred, the love that was real before I could say it. Before I would ever know that love is conditional, it was him. Before the last train to Brooklyn left it was him. More than two decades ago I met what would become my NFL, the one whose presence has always seemed fleeting. The one who trumps all others the one who because of his absence gave room for others to hurt me and leave scars skin deep. Before all of those experiences taught me a thing or two about myself and men, it was him. Before during and after it will always be him. A word a song a book a definition a poem cannot define what this means to me. Nothing compares nothing in this side of the world, in this here temple can ever come in the same space as this. Until I am able to fully embrace the divinity of it all, I am forever waiting. I am always hoping but never finding the right time when lives collide and burst forth beauty. Foolishly I believe in the highest greatest love of all..him. Foolishly I dance the night crawl in search of what I can only find in him. Foolishly I wait for once to happen forever... I adore you

Sometimes

Recently I have been listening to "Sometimes" by Bilal. In case you're unfamiliar, he uses the word "sometimes" as a catch phrase to state some concerns in a beautiful melody. I heard this song and have listened to it every day for the last two weeks. I have a moment to pay homage to this tune as I "sometimes" have questions on my own of myself and of others....

SOMETIMES...I wish I wasn't so naive, I knew how to let go, I still had the life of Sierra. I wish I could love truly and deeply. I wish he loved me enough to stay forever. I wish I didn't cut my hair. I wish I had perfect health. I were more social. I don't have to always wait for everything while others stride through life. I want to hear "Yes, Negetarian, we would love to have you." I heard "Congratulations, welcome home to the apple, we're so glad you're here, sit down stay a while." The money I've given out really does come back 100 fold. I were debt-free. My two children live to see forever. I live a good life that doesn't have duality. That Big son can smile in confidence. I want to be able to afford to splurge every now and then on my family. Visit every continent. I were better to Him sometimes. Sometimes I wish I knew the truth about my family and came clean about my own suffering. I could have a drink to take the pain away. I had no stretch marks. I had very nice teeth and hazel eyes....sometimes. Wrote a book and it became a nytimes bestseller, wouldn't that be nice. Sometimes that I waited to give my treasure away before marriage. Bore no shame of my identity. I could sew, sing and play guitar...lol.
Sometimes that I didn't have to itemize my life

hdn @ mdw

Weekly I expose my imprint into your digital eyes and ears leading to your digital hands across my uniformed body. Unable to see or hear you but you are everywhere. Your digital voice so courteous and monotonous tells me where my dog can poop and I can have a smoke. I see you filled with languages, ages, races, genders, staff and other things I cannot describe haunt my energy like bats into a cave. Deep within your walls filled with merchandise and pale faces I remove my intelligence and take off my thinking hat. Your blue green eyes look at my label and throw your book with ease. Your suitcases roll across my blue dipped toes gently urging the shackles of old. I look at you with a stare that slices your thin lifeless neck. I attack your impression with my literature knowledge. You see what your folks have told you I am, but do not attempt to question the truth that I AM. I inhale your filtered air with ease as the invisible smoke fill my lungs with asthmatic relief. You are a joke that is awaiting laughter. You represent all that I do not stand for, so with the rain you fall for everything. Every lie, every excuse, every "I forgot," everything.....you are nothing. You provide a written escape until you enter my space. I dread you every single day, hoping for the day you and I go away and I enter the world full of air and love for the 'daughter of the sunlight.' Soon, very soon, I will kiss your filtered air and your XXL blue stigma goodbye forever. No more will I lower myself to this again. I did not go to College for this crap. I did not invest in myself to work amongst dumb dumbs. This is not where it starts or begins, this is not my end. WATCH and SEE

Now

Ok, so here's where I am today. After the whirlwind my little heart endured on Friday, the days following I detoxed and re introduced my appetite as strict vegetarian. For the last 4 almost 5 years I have been a vegetarian and have struggled to maintain a stable weight, well with this new level of basically eliminating all animal foods I feel this will be even better. So I have kept my personal promise to myself and am now vegan. Now this is no easy task and is not cheap which I discovered today at the supermarket, but the energy and holistic approach to life I have taken, this is a natural progression.

Now, about my heart, yesterday was different yet somewhat familiar. There is a thick rope that ties me to the forbidden fruit. Today not a single word has been spoken to reassure me that the dream is reality. I believe it has all been just a silly if not clever, dream that I have unwillingly been awake the whole time. So as I attempt to alter my diet slightly I also am hoping to shed the weight of familiarity and the desires that will NEVER be reality. I thought I was pass this, but as it seems, I am...well I am unsure of where I am. I do however know that as always, all good things must come to an end, when is the end? When will all the magic that supposed to happen, become real for me? When will I finally give all my love to one without fear? Soon, very soon, the truth of love will once and for all take me in as its own and make all my dreams come true.

Today

I am still wired from the events of today. My head is still shaking left to right trying to snap out of the daze I am in. I am still looking outside the window wanting to stay inside because outside the door, reality sets in. My hair is still raveled because of the mystery of it all. I am remembering what happened and am unable to recover the thoughts, because today was a tangible lucid dream that was not at all real. Today unlike any other day I have had in over 5 years has me so lost and nervous and excited and dreamy and anxious and afraid and curious and still and loose and open and incredible and sober and in a very unforgiving energy that I am unable to shake. Something someone shook me to the core and took me to a place I have envisioned but never believed. Something took my inhibitions and brought them to the frontal lobe and said, its OK with me. In this safe place there is nothing and no one that matters in this moment but you and me. It is just the space between now or never that matters, and this is what is urgent, you are what matters right now. You are the song I want to sing, the dance I want to dance, the music I want to hear. Outside this space clouds dimmed the sun casting a blue hue so very rich and strong enclosing the force begging to burst through. Moments danced across my shoulders waiting to happen. Memories were yearning to be made remembered and forgotten or stored in the caves of my consciousness. Silence was the sound I heard pounding my ears as my heart stood still and pliable. The grips of self and logic were sifted through my hands like putty. For this moment in this time in this place in this space, this was dream fulfilled. This was mine, this was what movies are made of. This is all that mattered. This is the reason behind the question, why?

I sit and look at you unable to reach you because you are gone to a different place and in that place I am invisible. I breath you in holding my exhale for fear that the release will dissipate and whisk you away too soon and never bring you back. I became numb and immobile with fear. Paralyzed from the eyes out, too many thoughts too fast. Too many numbers too little sequences. Right on point, body just at the right angle for luxury. Transfixed by the weight of the control slipping into oblivion it was in the final tic that it was too much. I opened my mouth and exhaled and let the fear win. I was completely in its trance and fell into bed and the cold air outside the space sent me into chaos.

What was that?

Work

I have been thinking a lot about the state I am in. I find myself oftentimes saddened by the lack of work I have produced since College. I have taken a long deep look at the list of available excuses and resolved to find the truth. The truth is I simply have not had or felt a reason to write any stories. I also accept that I am dependent on the creative energy of other writers, particularly those seated in the semi-circle of any Fiction class at CCC. So what does this mean for me now? Glad you asked. This means that I am in fact wasting my talent by blogging only about my foolish emotions when I should be writing. It also means that because of my co dependency issues, I need an accountability partner, someone to hold me responsible for pushing myself to write everyday. Perhaps this means grad school??? Perhaps this means writers group.?? Whatever it means, I digress. Writing is what I love and reading as much as I do, I need to do what makes me happy, to write and share the gift God gave me with the world.

If only I knew how to do that