I am so very thankful for everything in life that has brought me to this very point. I am thankful for the peaceful sleep that only comes from the Father. I am thankful for the spirit of truth that really does guide us into all truth. I am thankful that the things I have encountered in life have not taken me out, have not taken the sanity of mind I enjoy. Have you ever just sat and thought back over your life and know that only the true and living God could have kept you? I have and do often. There are so many blessings he has given me and when I think back, I am in total awe. I am thankful for this very technology to express my thoughts. I am thankful for my family as crazy as we are, I am still thankful for you all. I am thankful that I am coherent and mobile and can stand up straight and have a able body. I am thankful for speech, sight, sound, feel and taste. Who else could think to give us five senses instead of four or six? Who else knows the dynamics of the human body and its balance, nobody but God. I am thankful for creativity and structure and rules and boundaries and also the liberty of my faith. I am thankful to be able to read His word and want more and want to know it like a scholar. I am thankful for the power of prayer. I am thankful that He loves me so much that He sent Jesus to die for me, as unfaithful and just plain wrong that I am, he still came for me. He blessed my womb, he blessed my life with children. His grace is abundant, His love is unspeakable. I am thankful that He did not let me die in my sin, what kind of love is this? He allowed me to go through all these things so I can give Him glory and know that I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus.
Yes this list is endless, I had to share this. God really is a healer. 8-21/2-18 YES HE IS A HEALER.
My prayer today is as it is everyday, Thine will be done, lead me and guide me...
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
New Life
'We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.' Romans 6:4 NIV
Happy Birth Day to Me. Today I received purification through baptism. Today I was immersed in the waters of life and am now a part of the great family of believers before and with me who have made a public profession of faith. I belong to God. I have brothers and sisters in Christ who stood and will stand with me to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. No greater moment in my life compares to today. I have a date, I have a moment, I have a memory and now I have an eternal hope that I belong to God. Today I got baptized signifying years of wandering and sinning without true conversion to become a bona fide believer. Along with another brother we demonstrated our faith and what a beautiful ceremony. I am personally accountable for EVERYTHING that I do. Watch out world
Happy Birth Day to Me. Today I received purification through baptism. Today I was immersed in the waters of life and am now a part of the great family of believers before and with me who have made a public profession of faith. I belong to God. I have brothers and sisters in Christ who stood and will stand with me to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. No greater moment in my life compares to today. I have a date, I have a moment, I have a memory and now I have an eternal hope that I belong to God. Today I got baptized signifying years of wandering and sinning without true conversion to become a bona fide believer. Along with another brother we demonstrated our faith and what a beautiful ceremony. I am personally accountable for EVERYTHING that I do. Watch out world
Monday, August 9, 2010
Really
Pain, pain go away Why did you come back, are you here to stay, again?
As has been the story of my life. By design I have avoided anything similar to love. After the one chance that I got that ended bittersweet, I simply gave up. I believed that my heart would never open up to give or receive love. Lately like the fool that I have always been with matters of the heart, I opened up and started to simply believe. Tried to imagine life shared and not have to direct its course. I was completely caught off guard and tried to manage it but its power is beyond my strength. As quickly as the weather can go from hot to cold in the city is as quickly as love laughed at me. Love reminded me that I am not invited to share its bliss. Love told me explicitly that 'Today is not your day and tomorrow does not look good either.' But love, you told me I could come to your world. You said you were sent from heaven just for me and that all I had to do was believe. What happened love, why, how can you pretend that you were for me? How can it be shared between every opposite in creation, but not for me?
So I stepped back, giving love the space to completely overwhelm me and never ever miss me again. Love stepped back, love was never this close, love has said goodbye.....again???
To love, I say, no love, no more, nothing
As has been the story of my life. By design I have avoided anything similar to love. After the one chance that I got that ended bittersweet, I simply gave up. I believed that my heart would never open up to give or receive love. Lately like the fool that I have always been with matters of the heart, I opened up and started to simply believe. Tried to imagine life shared and not have to direct its course. I was completely caught off guard and tried to manage it but its power is beyond my strength. As quickly as the weather can go from hot to cold in the city is as quickly as love laughed at me. Love reminded me that I am not invited to share its bliss. Love told me explicitly that 'Today is not your day and tomorrow does not look good either.' But love, you told me I could come to your world. You said you were sent from heaven just for me and that all I had to do was believe. What happened love, why, how can you pretend that you were for me? How can it be shared between every opposite in creation, but not for me?
So I stepped back, giving love the space to completely overwhelm me and never ever miss me again. Love stepped back, love was never this close, love has said goodbye.....again???
To love, I say, no love, no more, nothing
Monday, July 12, 2010
A few years ago
THE TRUTH
So here it is, mission accomplished. After the birth of Venus, I created a logo combining the names of my children. Yesterday, I crossed over, my defense system broke and collapsed and I could no longer resist its call. I tried to tell myself this won’t manifest and that the proven addictive effect will not happen to me. I will not be on the street hanging around looking for some man to pierce my skin/rip my flesh; no that will not be me. But instead, I tried it and truth be told, I liked it. My artist, let’s call him “dude” treated me like the fiend I was sure to become. “On your knees and lean forward” I instantly thought of the many times I’ve assumed this position with the same fear, “don’t hurt me” and like all the others it was over within minutes. I chose my leg, an area that’s as discreet as my armpits and let him pierce, probe and label me, thereby inducing me into a part of a community of millions that deem this ritual important. The needle hit my dark flesh and as my blood bursts through I was hooked, trapped in a place of anxiety and excitement all at once, until it overtook me and set me free or forever bound me. He pulled away and showed me the door. I thanked him, attempting to make eye contact, looking for something in this lost soul that would connect and leave a lasting impression, but it didn’t work. He told me I was welcome and called the next girl in. In a disillusioned aura I stumbled out and faced my two remaining seeds, and my bloodslut, seeing the curiosity in their faces. “Let me see” they all asked. I felt my confidence shrink like a prune, all my juices dried up and I wanted more. Just that quick, I was in, there is text on my skin…jerleelsie
So here it is, mission accomplished. After the birth of Venus, I created a logo combining the names of my children. Yesterday, I crossed over, my defense system broke and collapsed and I could no longer resist its call. I tried to tell myself this won’t manifest and that the proven addictive effect will not happen to me. I will not be on the street hanging around looking for some man to pierce my skin/rip my flesh; no that will not be me. But instead, I tried it and truth be told, I liked it. My artist, let’s call him “dude” treated me like the fiend I was sure to become. “On your knees and lean forward” I instantly thought of the many times I’ve assumed this position with the same fear, “don’t hurt me” and like all the others it was over within minutes. I chose my leg, an area that’s as discreet as my armpits and let him pierce, probe and label me, thereby inducing me into a part of a community of millions that deem this ritual important. The needle hit my dark flesh and as my blood bursts through I was hooked, trapped in a place of anxiety and excitement all at once, until it overtook me and set me free or forever bound me. He pulled away and showed me the door. I thanked him, attempting to make eye contact, looking for something in this lost soul that would connect and leave a lasting impression, but it didn’t work. He told me I was welcome and called the next girl in. In a disillusioned aura I stumbled out and faced my two remaining seeds, and my bloodslut, seeing the curiosity in their faces. “Let me see” they all asked. I felt my confidence shrink like a prune, all my juices dried up and I wanted more. Just that quick, I was in, there is text on my skin…jerleelsie
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Better
Sometimes there are tough decisions that have to be made. People will get hurt and pain will most certainly ensue. However one decision cannot be compromised, the walk of Faith. When one decides to walk in Christ, be prepared for battle but also be comforted knowing that victory is in Christ. When I decided to follow after Him, I did not know who or what would impact my life. I had no idea that there would be as much pain as I have experienced, but I am so thankful. I am thankful because through the pain I have consistently returned to the love of the Father. Many have come and gone, and because of that I have not fully opened my heart to love. Yes I love, but I cannot with honesty say that I am convinced. I have come to realize that when you say you are a believer, your fruit will speak volumes. More than money, success, fame or any other selfish gain, I want God pleased with my life. I believe that to love me is to first Love GOD. Because I am a parent then the love for me has to include loving my children. At no point in love should there ever be a bending of the rules for any reason. This has become my life, but this will not be my life. I have promised over and over again to not do this or that, to only be in the exact contradiction. And why, because of what...some fallacy of love? There is a wind of change blowing in my life and I have to be free to be able to embrace it. I cannot make the will of God right my wrong, nor can I dare think I can change anyone. I have tried to be what one needs, but my needs ( obedience in Christ) have been suppressed. The inevitable decision has to be made and with all that is within me I do not want to have to go through this process yet again. But as for me and my house we shall serve the Lord. I have not walked as I have talked, I am hiding a sin that has me trapped, but I choose to walk in Freedom.
I apologize for my disservice, I repent for my disobedience. I accept forgiveness. I will not let this go any further, it is my soul that is at risk and for the first time in a long time, I get it. I know and understand that the wages of sin....death! As I stated at the beginning, some decisions have to be made and sometimes people will not like the outcome. I thank you for the time and do not want there to ever be a question of my sincerity or appear selfish. I am praying as I always have...that the will of God be done.
If only I can make this better, if only I had listened to the Spirit of truth and not my flesh..if only my healing was complete, I could have made a better decision and be a better woman.
Lord help me to not fall again for a lie, lead and guide me, protect and cover my heart. Show me how to love, teach me your ways....please help me to listen to your voice and every decision be your will.
I apologize for my disservice, I repent for my disobedience. I accept forgiveness. I will not let this go any further, it is my soul that is at risk and for the first time in a long time, I get it. I know and understand that the wages of sin....death! As I stated at the beginning, some decisions have to be made and sometimes people will not like the outcome. I thank you for the time and do not want there to ever be a question of my sincerity or appear selfish. I am praying as I always have...that the will of God be done.
If only I can make this better, if only I had listened to the Spirit of truth and not my flesh..if only my healing was complete, I could have made a better decision and be a better woman.
Lord help me to not fall again for a lie, lead and guide me, protect and cover my heart. Show me how to love, teach me your ways....please help me to listen to your voice and every decision be your will.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Moment in Life
'But have you ever had that moment life, where everything was cool. Didn't have to worry about the time? You were having the greatest moment in life..' These are not my words but if there is a song that could relate to the yesterday it would be..Moment in Life by Musiq, off the soul star album. It's funny, but I am convinced God has a great sense of humor. I feel like the ground under my feet has split in two and I am looking up from the bottom trying to decide which side to climb out of. Before I allow every single thought fruition, do note, I am as clueless as can be about this. It make absolutely no sense at all, yet makes all the sense in the world. Lord, you are very funny, it is obvious you get a kick out of me, why did you have to do all this.....on a Monday? There is so much more here to talk about, but it is better...out my mind, just in time.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Directions, please
Ideally I would love to have this blog be about my writing....it is not. It has become something else and I make no apologies. However there are some honorable mentions...that deserve attention. I am at a stagnant place now with my career. I thought I was stepping into something great and wonderful, but seems God has other plans for me. I admit I am nervous about being in this place of uncertainty and somewhat embarrassed to be pounding the pavement once again, but this is not a new place for me. In fact I have been here before and it does not get any better the second time around. I easily started to see myself successful and prosperous in what I thought was a great opportunity, but I did ask God to remove it from me if it was not HIS will.....and it was not.
Now, about my writing.....what is there to talk about? Why did I go to college for fiction writing? What am I really supposed to do with no experience outside of class? Yes this is a familiar song that I have sang before, however in my discouragement I admit, there is no one to blame but me.
In other news, I've joined a new church. I enjoy the teaching, though I do feel like an outsider a bit. The church is great....I'm just looking for the place where I belong.
Also, yesterday I challenged myself...the goal being to successfully ride my bike downtown. I made it to McCormick....and wow! what a feeling. It took me some time and frequent rest stops, but lawd have mercy....I made it! With nothing but sheer will power and determination I did it...which means I can do anything.....including remaining vegetarian, being sexually pure, totally committed to Christ and successful in life.
Funny how things that seem like a roadblock are just that, a block not a detour....on my way ( to wherever that "place" is).
Now, about my writing.....what is there to talk about? Why did I go to college for fiction writing? What am I really supposed to do with no experience outside of class? Yes this is a familiar song that I have sang before, however in my discouragement I admit, there is no one to blame but me.
In other news, I've joined a new church. I enjoy the teaching, though I do feel like an outsider a bit. The church is great....I'm just looking for the place where I belong.
Also, yesterday I challenged myself...the goal being to successfully ride my bike downtown. I made it to McCormick....and wow! what a feeling. It took me some time and frequent rest stops, but lawd have mercy....I made it! With nothing but sheer will power and determination I did it...which means I can do anything.....including remaining vegetarian, being sexually pure, totally committed to Christ and successful in life.
Funny how things that seem like a roadblock are just that, a block not a detour....on my way ( to wherever that "place" is).
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