Today I had the honor of sitting in a Intercession Training 101 class at my church HPVC. Needless to say I had expectations like most attendees. Also needless to say God completely shattered, super exceeded my little ideas and opinions of who He is. Let me share some of what I learned. When we pray, who are we praying to? Are we praying to God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit? Who is it that we most address? I have a comfort in praying always "Father God in the name of Jesus." Today we were asked to get to know the trinity and learn the differences of their personality and to begin communication to the other figure that we don't pray to. For example I pray to the Father so my challenge is to build communication and relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, get it, got it, good. Also, I learned that oftentimes my dreams are not prophetic but simply my desires. Qualities that I admire in others are qualities I already have and may want more of. For example people that appear to be on fire for Christ are attractive to my spirit because I desire a certain maturity and confidence in Him. NOT THE PERSON BUT THE HOLY SPIRIT WITHIN. This revelation came with a little pain and rebuke, but those He loves he corrects so lets move on. Another lesson was learning to listen hear and pray what God says without filtering or any of me in the way. I was trained to pray hard, loud and intense because it was what I saw and therefore did. God being so awesome taught me today, no need to yell or scream, just speak in faith believe what I ask for and have confidence in His authority. I am not as bad as I thought I was. I too must be humbled, I too must be still before the Father so that I can be led of Him. The final thing I learned is that the Lord knows me, knows my weakness and hears me when I pray. This week started in such a spirit of lust of my flesh that I doomed myself right into hell. But thanks to the love of the Father, he kept me here, gave me forgiveness and the gift of repentance and I will not walk in that way again.
Overall I am learning more and more about what it means to be saved and set apart. I am confident that God led me to HPVC because there is more for me and it is more of Him that I desire. I am learning to trust in Him and not walk in fear. Amen
To love, I will not ask you to love me back, GOD is LOVE. I love having a Father that loves me so, He sent His ONLY Son that I may have eternal life, now that's love.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Confessions
"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16 kjv
I confess I have given people the benefit of the doubt perhaps more than they deserve. I have believed in the words of man and have thought that having Christ in one's life has meaning. I have believed that there is nothing in life that God cannot change. I have also believed that healing is for all. I believe that the God I serve, (the almighty) is absolutely NOT a man that He should lie or the son of man that He should repent. In that, we are not God, we are and will always come short of His glory. I recognize my own errors and know that I truly am NOTHING without God. I know that because I care, I am susceptible to hurt. I have been hurt by another follower of Christ. My actions have caused me to be rejected and condemned. THANK God that He is not like man. Because I have allowed this seed to grow into an ugly weed, I must tear it down.
To you who were allowed to hurt me, I forgive you. To you who lied to me and told me I mattered when you knew I meant nothing to you, I forgive you. To you who led me to believe in love, I forgive you.
Father in the name of your son Jesus, I thank you for the gift of life you have given me. I thank you there is no pain on earth that heaven cannot heal. I thank you that there is none on earth that will ever, ever, ever be enough. I am thankful that your love sent Jesus. I am thankful for your new daily mercies. I am thankful for your sufficient grace. I ask that you forgive me for putting my trust in man. I confess I have walked in error and acknowledge that my sin is always before me. Against you and you only have I sinned and done this evil in your sight. Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean. I thank you that I know without any doubt that I have forgiveness because of Jesus. I know and thank you that you are faithful and just to forgive. I ask you Lord to heal my heart, to keep me because I desire to be kept. I ask that I never fall again for the spirit of deception and only follow your voice.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. I receive forgiveness in the name above every other name, Jesus, I pray.
"WHOA Neg, what are you talking about? What is going on in that head of yours?" Her best friend asked as she read her blog on the train. "I have to call her and see what's going on." Don't bother, the Lord is the love of my life. He had made me glad, His love for me is unconditional. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. It is in Him that I live, move and have my being.
I confess I have given people the benefit of the doubt perhaps more than they deserve. I have believed in the words of man and have thought that having Christ in one's life has meaning. I have believed that there is nothing in life that God cannot change. I have also believed that healing is for all. I believe that the God I serve, (the almighty) is absolutely NOT a man that He should lie or the son of man that He should repent. In that, we are not God, we are and will always come short of His glory. I recognize my own errors and know that I truly am NOTHING without God. I know that because I care, I am susceptible to hurt. I have been hurt by another follower of Christ. My actions have caused me to be rejected and condemned. THANK God that He is not like man. Because I have allowed this seed to grow into an ugly weed, I must tear it down.
To you who were allowed to hurt me, I forgive you. To you who lied to me and told me I mattered when you knew I meant nothing to you, I forgive you. To you who led me to believe in love, I forgive you.
Father in the name of your son Jesus, I thank you for the gift of life you have given me. I thank you there is no pain on earth that heaven cannot heal. I thank you that there is none on earth that will ever, ever, ever be enough. I am thankful that your love sent Jesus. I am thankful for your new daily mercies. I am thankful for your sufficient grace. I ask that you forgive me for putting my trust in man. I confess I have walked in error and acknowledge that my sin is always before me. Against you and you only have I sinned and done this evil in your sight. Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean. I thank you that I know without any doubt that I have forgiveness because of Jesus. I know and thank you that you are faithful and just to forgive. I ask you Lord to heal my heart, to keep me because I desire to be kept. I ask that I never fall again for the spirit of deception and only follow your voice.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. I receive forgiveness in the name above every other name, Jesus, I pray.
"WHOA Neg, what are you talking about? What is going on in that head of yours?" Her best friend asked as she read her blog on the train. "I have to call her and see what's going on." Don't bother, the Lord is the love of my life. He had made me glad, His love for me is unconditional. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. It is in Him that I live, move and have my being.
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Healer
I am so very thankful for everything in life that has brought me to this very point. I am thankful for the peaceful sleep that only comes from the Father. I am thankful for the spirit of truth that really does guide us into all truth. I am thankful that the things I have encountered in life have not taken me out, have not taken the sanity of mind I enjoy. Have you ever just sat and thought back over your life and know that only the true and living God could have kept you? I have and do often. There are so many blessings he has given me and when I think back, I am in total awe. I am thankful for this very technology to express my thoughts. I am thankful for my family as crazy as we are, I am still thankful for you all. I am thankful that I am coherent and mobile and can stand up straight and have a able body. I am thankful for speech, sight, sound, feel and taste. Who else could think to give us five senses instead of four or six? Who else knows the dynamics of the human body and its balance, nobody but God. I am thankful for creativity and structure and rules and boundaries and also the liberty of my faith. I am thankful to be able to read His word and want more and want to know it like a scholar. I am thankful for the power of prayer. I am thankful that He loves me so much that He sent Jesus to die for me, as unfaithful and just plain wrong that I am, he still came for me. He blessed my womb, he blessed my life with children. His grace is abundant, His love is unspeakable. I am thankful that He did not let me die in my sin, what kind of love is this? He allowed me to go through all these things so I can give Him glory and know that I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus.
Yes this list is endless, I had to share this. God really is a healer. 8-21/2-18 YES HE IS A HEALER.
My prayer today is as it is everyday, Thine will be done, lead me and guide me...
Yes this list is endless, I had to share this. God really is a healer. 8-21/2-18 YES HE IS A HEALER.
My prayer today is as it is everyday, Thine will be done, lead me and guide me...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
New Life
'We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.' Romans 6:4 NIV
Happy Birth Day to Me. Today I received purification through baptism. Today I was immersed in the waters of life and am now a part of the great family of believers before and with me who have made a public profession of faith. I belong to God. I have brothers and sisters in Christ who stood and will stand with me to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. No greater moment in my life compares to today. I have a date, I have a moment, I have a memory and now I have an eternal hope that I belong to God. Today I got baptized signifying years of wandering and sinning without true conversion to become a bona fide believer. Along with another brother we demonstrated our faith and what a beautiful ceremony. I am personally accountable for EVERYTHING that I do. Watch out world
Happy Birth Day to Me. Today I received purification through baptism. Today I was immersed in the waters of life and am now a part of the great family of believers before and with me who have made a public profession of faith. I belong to God. I have brothers and sisters in Christ who stood and will stand with me to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. No greater moment in my life compares to today. I have a date, I have a moment, I have a memory and now I have an eternal hope that I belong to God. Today I got baptized signifying years of wandering and sinning without true conversion to become a bona fide believer. Along with another brother we demonstrated our faith and what a beautiful ceremony. I am personally accountable for EVERYTHING that I do. Watch out world
Monday, August 9, 2010
Really
Pain, pain go away Why did you come back, are you here to stay, again?
As has been the story of my life. By design I have avoided anything similar to love. After the one chance that I got that ended bittersweet, I simply gave up. I believed that my heart would never open up to give or receive love. Lately like the fool that I have always been with matters of the heart, I opened up and started to simply believe. Tried to imagine life shared and not have to direct its course. I was completely caught off guard and tried to manage it but its power is beyond my strength. As quickly as the weather can go from hot to cold in the city is as quickly as love laughed at me. Love reminded me that I am not invited to share its bliss. Love told me explicitly that 'Today is not your day and tomorrow does not look good either.' But love, you told me I could come to your world. You said you were sent from heaven just for me and that all I had to do was believe. What happened love, why, how can you pretend that you were for me? How can it be shared between every opposite in creation, but not for me?
So I stepped back, giving love the space to completely overwhelm me and never ever miss me again. Love stepped back, love was never this close, love has said goodbye.....again???
To love, I say, no love, no more, nothing
As has been the story of my life. By design I have avoided anything similar to love. After the one chance that I got that ended bittersweet, I simply gave up. I believed that my heart would never open up to give or receive love. Lately like the fool that I have always been with matters of the heart, I opened up and started to simply believe. Tried to imagine life shared and not have to direct its course. I was completely caught off guard and tried to manage it but its power is beyond my strength. As quickly as the weather can go from hot to cold in the city is as quickly as love laughed at me. Love reminded me that I am not invited to share its bliss. Love told me explicitly that 'Today is not your day and tomorrow does not look good either.' But love, you told me I could come to your world. You said you were sent from heaven just for me and that all I had to do was believe. What happened love, why, how can you pretend that you were for me? How can it be shared between every opposite in creation, but not for me?
So I stepped back, giving love the space to completely overwhelm me and never ever miss me again. Love stepped back, love was never this close, love has said goodbye.....again???
To love, I say, no love, no more, nothing
Monday, July 12, 2010
A few years ago
THE TRUTH
So here it is, mission accomplished. After the birth of Venus, I created a logo combining the names of my children. Yesterday, I crossed over, my defense system broke and collapsed and I could no longer resist its call. I tried to tell myself this won’t manifest and that the proven addictive effect will not happen to me. I will not be on the street hanging around looking for some man to pierce my skin/rip my flesh; no that will not be me. But instead, I tried it and truth be told, I liked it. My artist, let’s call him “dude” treated me like the fiend I was sure to become. “On your knees and lean forward” I instantly thought of the many times I’ve assumed this position with the same fear, “don’t hurt me” and like all the others it was over within minutes. I chose my leg, an area that’s as discreet as my armpits and let him pierce, probe and label me, thereby inducing me into a part of a community of millions that deem this ritual important. The needle hit my dark flesh and as my blood bursts through I was hooked, trapped in a place of anxiety and excitement all at once, until it overtook me and set me free or forever bound me. He pulled away and showed me the door. I thanked him, attempting to make eye contact, looking for something in this lost soul that would connect and leave a lasting impression, but it didn’t work. He told me I was welcome and called the next girl in. In a disillusioned aura I stumbled out and faced my two remaining seeds, and my bloodslut, seeing the curiosity in their faces. “Let me see” they all asked. I felt my confidence shrink like a prune, all my juices dried up and I wanted more. Just that quick, I was in, there is text on my skin…jerleelsie
So here it is, mission accomplished. After the birth of Venus, I created a logo combining the names of my children. Yesterday, I crossed over, my defense system broke and collapsed and I could no longer resist its call. I tried to tell myself this won’t manifest and that the proven addictive effect will not happen to me. I will not be on the street hanging around looking for some man to pierce my skin/rip my flesh; no that will not be me. But instead, I tried it and truth be told, I liked it. My artist, let’s call him “dude” treated me like the fiend I was sure to become. “On your knees and lean forward” I instantly thought of the many times I’ve assumed this position with the same fear, “don’t hurt me” and like all the others it was over within minutes. I chose my leg, an area that’s as discreet as my armpits and let him pierce, probe and label me, thereby inducing me into a part of a community of millions that deem this ritual important. The needle hit my dark flesh and as my blood bursts through I was hooked, trapped in a place of anxiety and excitement all at once, until it overtook me and set me free or forever bound me. He pulled away and showed me the door. I thanked him, attempting to make eye contact, looking for something in this lost soul that would connect and leave a lasting impression, but it didn’t work. He told me I was welcome and called the next girl in. In a disillusioned aura I stumbled out and faced my two remaining seeds, and my bloodslut, seeing the curiosity in their faces. “Let me see” they all asked. I felt my confidence shrink like a prune, all my juices dried up and I wanted more. Just that quick, I was in, there is text on my skin…jerleelsie
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Better
Sometimes there are tough decisions that have to be made. People will get hurt and pain will most certainly ensue. However one decision cannot be compromised, the walk of Faith. When one decides to walk in Christ, be prepared for battle but also be comforted knowing that victory is in Christ. When I decided to follow after Him, I did not know who or what would impact my life. I had no idea that there would be as much pain as I have experienced, but I am so thankful. I am thankful because through the pain I have consistently returned to the love of the Father. Many have come and gone, and because of that I have not fully opened my heart to love. Yes I love, but I cannot with honesty say that I am convinced. I have come to realize that when you say you are a believer, your fruit will speak volumes. More than money, success, fame or any other selfish gain, I want God pleased with my life. I believe that to love me is to first Love GOD. Because I am a parent then the love for me has to include loving my children. At no point in love should there ever be a bending of the rules for any reason. This has become my life, but this will not be my life. I have promised over and over again to not do this or that, to only be in the exact contradiction. And why, because of what...some fallacy of love? There is a wind of change blowing in my life and I have to be free to be able to embrace it. I cannot make the will of God right my wrong, nor can I dare think I can change anyone. I have tried to be what one needs, but my needs ( obedience in Christ) have been suppressed. The inevitable decision has to be made and with all that is within me I do not want to have to go through this process yet again. But as for me and my house we shall serve the Lord. I have not walked as I have talked, I am hiding a sin that has me trapped, but I choose to walk in Freedom.
I apologize for my disservice, I repent for my disobedience. I accept forgiveness. I will not let this go any further, it is my soul that is at risk and for the first time in a long time, I get it. I know and understand that the wages of sin....death! As I stated at the beginning, some decisions have to be made and sometimes people will not like the outcome. I thank you for the time and do not want there to ever be a question of my sincerity or appear selfish. I am praying as I always have...that the will of God be done.
If only I can make this better, if only I had listened to the Spirit of truth and not my flesh..if only my healing was complete, I could have made a better decision and be a better woman.
Lord help me to not fall again for a lie, lead and guide me, protect and cover my heart. Show me how to love, teach me your ways....please help me to listen to your voice and every decision be your will.
I apologize for my disservice, I repent for my disobedience. I accept forgiveness. I will not let this go any further, it is my soul that is at risk and for the first time in a long time, I get it. I know and understand that the wages of sin....death! As I stated at the beginning, some decisions have to be made and sometimes people will not like the outcome. I thank you for the time and do not want there to ever be a question of my sincerity or appear selfish. I am praying as I always have...that the will of God be done.
If only I can make this better, if only I had listened to the Spirit of truth and not my flesh..if only my healing was complete, I could have made a better decision and be a better woman.
Lord help me to not fall again for a lie, lead and guide me, protect and cover my heart. Show me how to love, teach me your ways....please help me to listen to your voice and every decision be your will.
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