Thinking

So much to be thankful for. The gift of the Holy Spirit has blessed my family in a very special way and I will never forget the day March 21, 2010. Also the road will be handled by yet another teenage driver.....
There are so many good things going on right now. I know that I am getting into a new place in Christ that will be full of new experiences, yet I am comforted by His peace, knowing that I am never alone and that He is with me always.
I have been thinking a lot about blogging, fashion, parenting, relationships and the like. I have an incredible opportunity ahead of me that if it goes well, will improve the quality of my life. This decision will definitely effect the list above in a way unknown to me. There will be moments where some of the cares of life will become less of a burden and obstacles will be a opportunity for peace. I am nervous at the idea of being in the position to impact the lives of others, but isn't that the point?
I feel that after nine years, I am ready to move on.

Yes this entry seems frazzled but at least its something new to think about

A fresh wind

'Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."' Hebrews 13:5 NIV

This is my message to you. I heard something today at church today that hit me. 'If I knew the extenent to which the sin we are in is, it makes what Christ did for us that much more greater.' Amazing! I have struggled over the last few weeks or months over the question of my salvation, and today I heard back from the Lord. Imagine this.....
He in his loving power will NEVER condemn us, he condemned his Son even unto death for us! Me, unworthy of anything that He gives, still He will not condemn me, what kind of love is this?

I spent the last week in limbo, unsure which way to go or how to go wherever I was headed. I prayed, did all that seemed right, yet inside I needed to hear from Him. Not only did He hear me, but He chose to answer me. Thank you Father! Get ready for the 'new wind' in my life! God is about to do a new thing in me and I am so glad.

The path of solitude has remained imminent, because I have and am continually learning that we must walk in agreement. In every relationship in life there has to be some level of agreement, even if to disagree. There are some decisons that have to be made and some people that will have to be seperated from where I am going in God. I am on a journey that requires I walk with Him in truth. I have been blessed to have had the experiences in my life that have not overwhelmed me. I have taken note as best as I can on every 'what if' imaginable and all those questions have led me back here. This is the place where it really matters. This is the time to walk in maturity in Christ, to stand firm on His word, to hold on to his unchanged hands.

Lord I desire more of you
Teach me your ways
Help me to totally trust in you and lean not to my own understanding
Use me for your glory
Call me friend......

Am I Saved

Yes, you read it right. I am asking the question, Am I saved? Why? Because my salvation has been assumed, presumed and directed. It has become very clear over the last months that I have simply become accustomed to doing as I was told....without any clear moment of conversion. I grew up in the church, in fact it is the only institution I am completely and utterly committed to. Naturally every step taken has been carefully guided by my family, preachers and teacher alike, all with my expected consent. This past weekend I was faced with the question..."AM I SAVED?" My answer will be found here.
It is my desire to discover the truth in my life without being told what and how to live the Christian Life. Yes I am thankful for the upbringing that has kept me in the safety net of the church, but there is something I am seeking beyond the border of the physical temple. I now know that a change has not taken place independently in my life that I can recall to announce my conversion, I have simply did as I was told.

This I want no more of. I want to know God for myself. So today I took the first steps, I confessed every sin that came to mind (a very long tear-filled list) and asked for forgiveness. In the midst of my tears, I was told to reconcile relationships with three VIPs in my life, so far all is well. One more hurdle to cross. I plan to share this journey here and discover what I have talked about my entire life but never truly experienced.....right relationship with Christ.

Confession

This is going to release me. I confess to you that I have not taken very good care of the able body you have given me. Last year I went through three months of exercise, soul searching, diet and accountability even a juice fast, only to have now resorted back to my old lazy ways. For this I am sorry and ask for your guidance, to not just release the physical baggage, but also the spiritual and mental weight I carry every day. I do not like the protruding body I see now and am ashamed that I have once again sought comfort in food rather than in you. Please forgive me, and help me! I want this to really be the temple that you dwell in and I know you see me better than I will ever see myself and yet love me...
Take the coal cleanse my lips
HERE I AM

New Year, of course

So like most of you, I felt the urge to proclaim certain tasks I will follow through in the arrival of the new year. At the vert last hour of the last day of 2009, I officially withdrew from my job. Not physically, but mentally. I have witnessed a lot of changes made at work that have not worked in my favor and instead of giving a well deserved response, I choose to not allow it to get the best of me.....literally. With that being stated, (for the first and last time) I move on to more important matters....HAPPY NEW, HOLY, PROSPEROUS, HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!! We made it! HALLELUJAH!! Yes, 2009 had a lot of challenges, but doesn't every year? It is the overcoming of those challenges that gives room for joy and celebration. I faced a lot of challenges with relationships and decisions and am victorious. I expanded my client base and am so very thankful to God for blessing me. This may seem extremely self-centered, but I have a lot to be grateful for. The most important gifts, I get daily......forgiveness, mercy and grace and the joy of salvation. I want to grow closer to God in a way that astounds me, in a way that is as His word says......beyond what I can ask or think. I desire to be in a place where I am available to be used, where everything about me changes, and I am no longer the same. Perhaps this seems like a resolution of some sort, or a lists....whatever you want to call it, it is a statement of truth. I believe I have found a church home where I can grow and be effective in the body of Christ. I also desire more patience with life and what it will bring. Yes I want to lose weight, commit to blogging, get a masters degree, learn French and Arabic, leave the country, go to Africa, heal the world......all those good things. I want to LIVE! I want to LAUGH! I want to LOVE!
am i asking for too much?

Here's to forgetting those things that are behind....pressing towards the things which are ahead.

?uestions

I like to believe that I have a keen sense of intelligence and curiosity. I also would like to believe that the things that I question, are also questions others want answers to. For instance, a tragic death (murder-suicide) has occurred to a loved one's family and my question is "How could she not have known?" I wonder if when through the direct notion of the Holy Spirit, the truth is revealed about things, people and situations, how come we do not listen and respond by trusting His guidance? I often ask, then punish myself because I did not heed the word of warning, only to find the outcome of my disobedience or ignorance to be disappointing. I have so many questions, that this little note will not be sufficient or I will tire of typing. So to get some of the relief I desire from life itself I'll list a few:

why did she have to die?
why did it have to happen so violently to such a beautiful life?
why does my body hurt so much, and when will it heal itself?
what did I do so bad, that he had to leave?
why am I not being consistent in anything?
what really happens after death?
how can she stay with him, and be so unhappy?
when will my 'ship' really come in?
what am I so afraid of, why am I giving fear so much power?
whose to say that his heart can't change?
what is freedom?
why is ignorance amongst people normal?
what is it that keeps some young black men from wanting to try and succeed?
what will it take for me to lose the weight and keep it off?
when will I really know the love of Christ and it keeps me?
what will it take for me to get ahead?
what is it like to have a 'real' job?
what makes people think and do the things we do?
when will I get serious about my writing?
where are all my friends?
why ask?

marriage

what is it about two people being exclusively dedicated, long-term to one another, right in the sight of God in Holy matrimony that drives people to the edge? I know long, first sentence,question (read on). Recently my folks have hit a bump in this road to happily ever after that makes me question the state of marriage. Let me dig into my own history so this can make sense. I have been married before, it didn't work for a lot of obvious reasons, but without a doubt I love the man I married. Sure we were clueless, immature and selfish, however we decided to cut costs by making two into one. It was a convenience for both parties, but turned out to be incredibly aggressive. Now let's go back further, when my mom and father were together their marriage was a train wreck in slow motion, my father clearly had no idea how to be a father and a husband (not sure why because his parents have been married over 50 years), so he resorted to a careless lifestyle of drugs, adultery, abuse and abandonment. Flash forward twenty years. My mom has since remarried and is not happy. This troubles me because, it diffuses my hope of a better chance the 'second time around.' Watching her walk under the selfish hand of another person, muting her dreams and desires truly makes me want to scream and carry her away to the islands and drink fruity spirits ....lol! This sounds a bit whimsical, but its my truth. I am torn between my own hopes and comforted by my past failure at marriage. Deep down I know that marriage can be a beautiful experience but somehow it doesn't seen to turn out that way. I have a friend who was recently engaged to what was believed to be 'the one,' I have another friend who is a habitual cheater and their spouse is reluctant to believe the truth. I have a girlfriend that gave birth and presumed marriage was inevitable, so I do have my queries. Can this mean that no matter what, marriages don't last or are built on empty promises and fairy tales? I am unsure but I plan to dig deep and figuure some things out. Whose to say its sacred, whose to say man has the right to enslave the woman with his own insecurities and ungodly control, whose to say that it can't work? I really want to know