Am I Saved

Yes, you read it right. I am asking the question, Am I saved? Why? Because my salvation has been assumed, presumed and directed. It has become very clear over the last months that I have simply become accustomed to doing as I was told....without any clear moment of conversion. I grew up in the church, in fact it is the only institution I am completely and utterly committed to. Naturally every step taken has been carefully guided by my family, preachers and teacher alike, all with my expected consent. This past weekend I was faced with the question..."AM I SAVED?" My answer will be found here.
It is my desire to discover the truth in my life without being told what and how to live the Christian Life. Yes I am thankful for the upbringing that has kept me in the safety net of the church, but there is something I am seeking beyond the border of the physical temple. I now know that a change has not taken place independently in my life that I can recall to announce my conversion, I have simply did as I was told.

This I want no more of. I want to know God for myself. So today I took the first steps, I confessed every sin that came to mind (a very long tear-filled list) and asked for forgiveness. In the midst of my tears, I was told to reconcile relationships with three VIPs in my life, so far all is well. One more hurdle to cross. I plan to share this journey here and discover what I have talked about my entire life but never truly experienced.....right relationship with Christ.

Confession

This is going to release me. I confess to you that I have not taken very good care of the able body you have given me. Last year I went through three months of exercise, soul searching, diet and accountability even a juice fast, only to have now resorted back to my old lazy ways. For this I am sorry and ask for your guidance, to not just release the physical baggage, but also the spiritual and mental weight I carry every day. I do not like the protruding body I see now and am ashamed that I have once again sought comfort in food rather than in you. Please forgive me, and help me! I want this to really be the temple that you dwell in and I know you see me better than I will ever see myself and yet love me...
Take the coal cleanse my lips
HERE I AM

New Year, of course

So like most of you, I felt the urge to proclaim certain tasks I will follow through in the arrival of the new year. At the vert last hour of the last day of 2009, I officially withdrew from my job. Not physically, but mentally. I have witnessed a lot of changes made at work that have not worked in my favor and instead of giving a well deserved response, I choose to not allow it to get the best of me.....literally. With that being stated, (for the first and last time) I move on to more important matters....HAPPY NEW, HOLY, PROSPEROUS, HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!! We made it! HALLELUJAH!! Yes, 2009 had a lot of challenges, but doesn't every year? It is the overcoming of those challenges that gives room for joy and celebration. I faced a lot of challenges with relationships and decisions and am victorious. I expanded my client base and am so very thankful to God for blessing me. This may seem extremely self-centered, but I have a lot to be grateful for. The most important gifts, I get daily......forgiveness, mercy and grace and the joy of salvation. I want to grow closer to God in a way that astounds me, in a way that is as His word says......beyond what I can ask or think. I desire to be in a place where I am available to be used, where everything about me changes, and I am no longer the same. Perhaps this seems like a resolution of some sort, or a lists....whatever you want to call it, it is a statement of truth. I believe I have found a church home where I can grow and be effective in the body of Christ. I also desire more patience with life and what it will bring. Yes I want to lose weight, commit to blogging, get a masters degree, learn French and Arabic, leave the country, go to Africa, heal the world......all those good things. I want to LIVE! I want to LAUGH! I want to LOVE!
am i asking for too much?

Here's to forgetting those things that are behind....pressing towards the things which are ahead.

?uestions

I like to believe that I have a keen sense of intelligence and curiosity. I also would like to believe that the things that I question, are also questions others want answers to. For instance, a tragic death (murder-suicide) has occurred to a loved one's family and my question is "How could she not have known?" I wonder if when through the direct notion of the Holy Spirit, the truth is revealed about things, people and situations, how come we do not listen and respond by trusting His guidance? I often ask, then punish myself because I did not heed the word of warning, only to find the outcome of my disobedience or ignorance to be disappointing. I have so many questions, that this little note will not be sufficient or I will tire of typing. So to get some of the relief I desire from life itself I'll list a few:

why did she have to die?
why did it have to happen so violently to such a beautiful life?
why does my body hurt so much, and when will it heal itself?
what did I do so bad, that he had to leave?
why am I not being consistent in anything?
what really happens after death?
how can she stay with him, and be so unhappy?
when will my 'ship' really come in?
what am I so afraid of, why am I giving fear so much power?
whose to say that his heart can't change?
what is freedom?
why is ignorance amongst people normal?
what is it that keeps some young black men from wanting to try and succeed?
what will it take for me to lose the weight and keep it off?
when will I really know the love of Christ and it keeps me?
what will it take for me to get ahead?
what is it like to have a 'real' job?
what makes people think and do the things we do?
when will I get serious about my writing?
where are all my friends?
why ask?

marriage

what is it about two people being exclusively dedicated, long-term to one another, right in the sight of God in Holy matrimony that drives people to the edge? I know long, first sentence,question (read on). Recently my folks have hit a bump in this road to happily ever after that makes me question the state of marriage. Let me dig into my own history so this can make sense. I have been married before, it didn't work for a lot of obvious reasons, but without a doubt I love the man I married. Sure we were clueless, immature and selfish, however we decided to cut costs by making two into one. It was a convenience for both parties, but turned out to be incredibly aggressive. Now let's go back further, when my mom and father were together their marriage was a train wreck in slow motion, my father clearly had no idea how to be a father and a husband (not sure why because his parents have been married over 50 years), so he resorted to a careless lifestyle of drugs, adultery, abuse and abandonment. Flash forward twenty years. My mom has since remarried and is not happy. This troubles me because, it diffuses my hope of a better chance the 'second time around.' Watching her walk under the selfish hand of another person, muting her dreams and desires truly makes me want to scream and carry her away to the islands and drink fruity spirits ....lol! This sounds a bit whimsical, but its my truth. I am torn between my own hopes and comforted by my past failure at marriage. Deep down I know that marriage can be a beautiful experience but somehow it doesn't seen to turn out that way. I have a friend who was recently engaged to what was believed to be 'the one,' I have another friend who is a habitual cheater and their spouse is reluctant to believe the truth. I have a girlfriend that gave birth and presumed marriage was inevitable, so I do have my queries. Can this mean that no matter what, marriages don't last or are built on empty promises and fairy tales? I am unsure but I plan to dig deep and figuure some things out. Whose to say its sacred, whose to say man has the right to enslave the woman with his own insecurities and ungodly control, whose to say that it can't work? I really want to know

Give Thanks

Well, well, all is well. It is official, we have been transplanted to HP, providing us with a plether of creativity, opportunity, fun, culture, arts and well-crafted entertainment. The move had a few bumps in the road but when we opened the door, inhaled the bitter tinge of fresh paint, we all exhaled a sigh of relief. The safety challenge is minimal and the potential is enormous. In the few weeks here we have felt the distinct history come alive, and for this I am thankful. My peace from the Lord breezes through the air welcoming us home.
We recently went away for the weekend, had a vigorous excursion that was complemented by the return to our new apartment home. The wait seemed long, yet at the last hour when I was ready to give up, He opened up the Heavens on our behalf. I love...(repeat) love coming home. I miss my cat, Boop, but my sister claims he is adjusting well living with her. Finally, this has happened to me and I am excited.
THANK YOU FATHER
Lead and guide us, so that YOU get ALL THE GLORY!

Something's on my mind

So let's see what's new...Well I got a new gig, not much but at least it gives me something else to do, uh going to be moving soon...great!!! However what has me troubled is now the lack of time I used to have when I spent my days in total fellowship with the Father. I miss this place so very much and am starting to realize more and more, that this walk really is independent. I used to think wow, how great life could be if "two walked together and agree." I realize that statement of verse has its conditions, for two must have one thing (at least:-0) in common, that being that we must live for Christ everyday!!! I have found myself in somewhat of a delicious loop, the sweet taste of sin that has decided to take up permanent residence in the form of relationship. Because of this, I must return back to the love that has sustained my sometimes fruitless life for fear that all other love is futile. I do not like what I am permitting to happen, feeling like I'm abusing the abundant grace, and forgetting the wages of sin is.......well you know the rest. Have I lost that secret place in two short months?....... No I know I have not lost anything, I just miss the time when I was alone and only spoke of the goodness of the good Lord and all the wonders of what He does for all of us.
Again, I will state 'church' and all it represents has been a constant in my life like nothing else and the fact that I choose to live a life that may not be popular, comes as no surprise. I simply yet wholeheartedly love this life. I find no substitution for living this life that is not great all the time, but is ALL THE TIME GREAT! Yes I take pleasure in other things in life but only because it shows another layer of the brilliancy of God. Everything, all roads, all decisions I make must be under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, for I am not ashamed. I do believe, that two walking together in agreement, at least for me means I choose to walk with, in and for Christ...knowing I am never alone. I want it all back, my dance, my prayer life that at times overwhelms me, and my worship, most importantly my attitude that I choose life which means I don't choose sin.

P.S. There's a story I'm thinking of..... a woman, falls for a man and then gets so wrapped up in him that she falls deep into sin....is so hurt from the wound that love leaves that she runs so hard back to grace that she becomes a "Fool for Christ, a Jesus freak." She lives daily crucifying her flesh and God uses her in a way far beyond even her fiction dreams could imagine. She lives a celibate single life, loses some so called friends, but is received with open arms into Abraham's bosom, knowing the obedience was far greater than the sacrifice.....sound familiar?