Better

Sometimes there are tough decisions that have to be made. People will get hurt and pain will most certainly ensue. However one decision cannot be compromised, the walk of Faith. When one decides to walk in Christ, be prepared for battle but also be comforted knowing that victory is in Christ. When I decided to follow after Him, I did not know who or what would impact my life. I had no idea that there would be as much pain as I have experienced, but I am so thankful. I am thankful because through the pain I have consistently returned to the love of the Father. Many have come and gone, and because of that I have not fully opened my heart to love. Yes I love, but I cannot with honesty say that I am convinced. I have come to realize that when you say you are a believer, your fruit will speak volumes. More than money, success, fame or any other selfish gain, I want God pleased with my life. I believe that to love me is to first Love GOD. Because I am a parent then the love for me has to include loving my children. At no point in love should there ever be a bending of the rules for any reason. This has become my life, but this will not be my life. I have promised over and over again to not do this or that, to only be in the exact contradiction. And why, because of what...some fallacy of love? There is a wind of change blowing in my life and I have to be free to be able to embrace it. I cannot make the will of God right my wrong, nor can I dare think I can change anyone. I have tried to be what one needs, but my needs ( obedience in Christ) have been suppressed. The inevitable decision has to be made and with all that is within me I do not want to have to go through this process yet again. But as for me and my house we shall serve the Lord. I have not walked as I have talked, I am hiding a sin that has me trapped, but I choose to walk in Freedom.
I apologize for my disservice, I repent for my disobedience. I accept forgiveness. I will not let this go any further, it is my soul that is at risk and for the first time in a long time, I get it. I know and understand that the wages of sin....death! As I stated at the beginning, some decisions have to be made and sometimes people will not like the outcome. I thank you for the time and do not want there to ever be a question of my sincerity or appear selfish. I am praying as I always have...that the will of God be done.
If only I can make this better, if only I had listened to the Spirit of truth and not my flesh..if only my healing was complete, I could have made a better decision and be a better woman.

Lord help me to not fall again for a lie, lead and guide me, protect and cover my heart. Show me how to love, teach me your ways....please help me to listen to your voice and every decision be your will.

Moment in Life

'But have you ever had that moment life, where everything was cool. Didn't have to worry about the time? You were having the greatest moment in life..' These are not my words but if there is a song that could relate to the yesterday it would be..Moment in Life by Musiq, off the soul star album. It's funny, but I am convinced God has a great sense of humor. I feel like the ground under my feet has split in two and I am looking up from the bottom trying to decide which side to climb out of. Before I allow every single thought fruition, do note, I am as clueless as can be about this. It make absolutely no sense at all, yet makes all the sense in the world. Lord, you are very funny, it is obvious you get a kick out of me, why did you have to do all this.....on a Monday? There is so much more here to talk about, but it is better...out my mind, just in time.

Directions, please

Ideally I would love to have this blog be about my writing....it is not. It has become something else and I make no apologies. However there are some honorable mentions...that deserve attention. I am at a stagnant place now with my career. I thought I was stepping into something great and wonderful, but seems God has other plans for me. I admit I am nervous about being in this place of uncertainty and somewhat embarrassed to be pounding the pavement once again, but this is not a new place for me. In fact I have been here before and it does not get any better the second time around. I easily started to see myself successful and prosperous in what I thought was a great opportunity, but I did ask God to remove it from me if it was not HIS will.....and it was not.

Now, about my writing.....what is there to talk about? Why did I go to college for fiction writing? What am I really supposed to do with no experience outside of class? Yes this is a familiar song that I have sang before, however in my discouragement I admit, there is no one to blame but me.

In other news, I've joined a new church. I enjoy the teaching, though I do feel like an outsider a bit. The church is great....I'm just looking for the place where I belong.

Also, yesterday I challenged myself...the goal being to successfully ride my bike downtown. I made it to McCormick....and wow! what a feeling. It took me some time and frequent rest stops, but lawd have mercy....I made it! With nothing but sheer will power and determination I did it...which means I can do anything.....including remaining vegetarian, being sexually pure, totally committed to Christ and successful in life.

Funny how things that seem like a roadblock are just that, a block not a detour....on my way ( to wherever that "place" is).

The beginning of the middle

Tomorrow I have an amazing opportunity that will change our lives. I will be in a position to demonstrate my intention to be a professional educator. Nervous? very. Excited? extremely. Tired, yes. This has taken me nine years to get to. I have went through several detours, but every road lead me to this. This is why I am here. This is the best part of me that with a little modification, will showcase the greatness within. Yes I am trusting God and I believe it is my time. I believe in myself and all that He has given me, it's time to shine. I was born to do this. I am meant to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...

Friends

How many times do we call someone "friend?" What are the qualities involved in labeling someone more than an aquaintance but less than a lover, partner or spouse, etc? What are the unspoken rules of friendship shared between people? When does the friendship find its path that lead to a level of trust that if cared for, will not easily break? How does the search commence and who are the judges? I do not know. One thing I can say with some level of certainty, a good friend is hard to find, even harder to keep. I have given this esteemed title to many only to regret the decision when the situations require more than I am willing to give. I keep a healthy distance between myself and people as a general rule of thumb. This selfish act has kept me from a lot of disappointments with most people. I am not afraid to bond with people, just sometimes find comfort in being selfish....
Recently the rules of friendship took root in a very unexpected, effortless way. I found what I will call, a friend. I found a level of unspoken trust that was comforting and true. Today my friend has moved on to greater endeavors, leaving me aghast. Does this mean that I did not find a friend, or that heartless code...out of sight, out of mind, will ensue? If that happens as most things in life fade with time, I can say I know what it means, to have a friend.
Adios Amigo

Thinking

So much to be thankful for. The gift of the Holy Spirit has blessed my family in a very special way and I will never forget the day March 21, 2010. Also the road will be handled by yet another teenage driver.....
There are so many good things going on right now. I know that I am getting into a new place in Christ that will be full of new experiences, yet I am comforted by His peace, knowing that I am never alone and that He is with me always.
I have been thinking a lot about blogging, fashion, parenting, relationships and the like. I have an incredible opportunity ahead of me that if it goes well, will improve the quality of my life. This decision will definitely effect the list above in a way unknown to me. There will be moments where some of the cares of life will become less of a burden and obstacles will be a opportunity for peace. I am nervous at the idea of being in the position to impact the lives of others, but isn't that the point?
I feel that after nine years, I am ready to move on.

Yes this entry seems frazzled but at least its something new to think about

A fresh wind

'Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."' Hebrews 13:5 NIV

This is my message to you. I heard something today at church today that hit me. 'If I knew the extenent to which the sin we are in is, it makes what Christ did for us that much more greater.' Amazing! I have struggled over the last few weeks or months over the question of my salvation, and today I heard back from the Lord. Imagine this.....
He in his loving power will NEVER condemn us, he condemned his Son even unto death for us! Me, unworthy of anything that He gives, still He will not condemn me, what kind of love is this?

I spent the last week in limbo, unsure which way to go or how to go wherever I was headed. I prayed, did all that seemed right, yet inside I needed to hear from Him. Not only did He hear me, but He chose to answer me. Thank you Father! Get ready for the 'new wind' in my life! God is about to do a new thing in me and I am so glad.

The path of solitude has remained imminent, because I have and am continually learning that we must walk in agreement. In every relationship in life there has to be some level of agreement, even if to disagree. There are some decisons that have to be made and some people that will have to be seperated from where I am going in God. I am on a journey that requires I walk with Him in truth. I have been blessed to have had the experiences in my life that have not overwhelmed me. I have taken note as best as I can on every 'what if' imaginable and all those questions have led me back here. This is the place where it really matters. This is the time to walk in maturity in Christ, to stand firm on His word, to hold on to his unchanged hands.

Lord I desire more of you
Teach me your ways
Help me to totally trust in you and lean not to my own understanding
Use me for your glory
Call me friend......