To my neighbors

Please stop the tug of war
between the hearts
Let love flow instead of blood
slandering names
profanity- a weak mind's game
Can't take no more.
You frighten me with your midnight hallway fights
yell from the streets below, shaking my sleep into panic
I wonder who you are,
some sister seeking dumb love
some brother trying to prove his place.
This tug of war
between the hearts
keeps us apart.
I do not want to touch you
for fear that your fighting is contagious
PLEASE STOP!
spread love that was given to you from mama,
be to your child the example of a good brother.
Sister be strong, command respect before the sex
shake loose the game, that only leads to pain
No retirement plan
no 401Ks
just side effects
of tattered necks
loud mouths, unholy and sweaty
Pick up what you left
stop the tug of war
between two hearts

My truth...oh lawd!

I have to write about this, because it is killing me inside. So, yes I have graduated from college, whoo hoo! Right? Wrong, During all four years of fiction writing intensives, I did not engage with anyone beyond the classroom. I did not submit ANYTHING! I did not go to any other events other than those required to complete my studies. The problem? Glad you asked. The problem is FEAR, an enemy for most of us. But for me the fear of rejection strangled every effort. I know that I live in my head a lot always assuming that success will come with little to no effort, but it also this same imagination that keeps me from stepping out. I am embarrassed to say, "I am not working on anything," There I said it. I prefer not to call myself a writer, because I am unpublished, because I have not submitted. I have years of great story starts sitting in my file cabinet, doing no good. And yet at this point I am frustrated because I am not able to work in the industry. How can I expect to be hired, when I have nothing but this sporadic blog to show for myself. Why is this, why am I like this? There are people in my life that will tell me to write about this experience and make something of it. The problem is not writing, its "what do I do now?" that boggles me. I have experienced things in my life that can help others, but somehow I do not like to be vulnerable and if I share, I will have to be open to criticism, (but that's another issue). Keeping things in, is destroying me physically. I know the direct result can only get worse if I do not get this stuff out of my head and into public view, so what am I to do? Please, I feel at times going to school was a waste of four years that only resulted in a bunch of journals. I know there are others that understand. So I will use this to size up my interests.
YES I LOVE TO WRITE
what kind of writing?
Short Stories ranging from love and relationships to faith and religion
what are you working on now?
OH GOD, NOT AGAIN WITH THAT:-)
what would you like to do?
Get published and work in a company that lets me do the writing and editing.
what's stopping you?
.........

What's New???

So, yes I'll admit, it has been some time since I wrote. So I will keep it short and sweet. Lord help me with my unbelief...in myself. Help me to believe that I can make it and that I can trust you in EVERYTHING!

Intimacy

They that hunger and thirst for righteousness, shall be filled. Day 33 and wow, what a wonderful change that has come over me. The plan was to loose a few xtra pounds, and along with that I have lost a lot...my love for the world. Let me explain, I've been in church my entire life and just sort of went along with the program. Went through the "finding my own truth" stage, went through the whole charades of "church folks" that breeds jokes and intense criticism. I did all this with no real sense of what its all about. Now, the reasons are more profound than ever, we (I) were made to simply give and serve for the glory of God. Our struggles can be reduced if we focus on him rather than anything else. That is happening right now in me, and there's a lot of work to be done. Yes the weight is coming off (through disciplined eating, accountability and exercise) but most importantly I have a new level of sincere intimacy with the Father that draws me to his word daily and a prayer life that flows outwardly for His glory. So yes, Im feeling good, growing up in Christ, being accountable, getting myself out of the way. Though not quite "there" yet, but am committed to walking the talk.
Diet Programs $300.00
Fitness Class $ 100.00
Freedom in Christ $Priceless

New Day, New Me?

As I praised my way into the new year, I shook a lot of things off. I left the fear and weight of the previous year behind. What I took on was this idea of victory. The victory was given to me on the cross, so much that life can be a whole lot easier. To avoid the dreadful resolutions I did not verbalize my intentions. Instead I acted. Day 4 and day 2 of courses to discipline my faith walk and this brings the most joy. Yes being a single mom can at times be dreary, but even in parenting, victory is mine. I know challenges are ahead but it is the mental state than can impact the greatest. So yes this is a new day to decide to walk iin defeat or victory; I choose victory.

Self Exam

Yesterday, in spite of all the gatherings and delicacies, I found myself confused. I took note of my family and all the curves the women proudly bare and thought I figured out something about each one. What I actually discovered was something about myself. This past year was one I'd like to quickly recover from. I had some major Celebrations, but also 7 months of lack. In this lack my physical self took on a new look , a look that seems to want to stick around. I have fought with myself finding creative new ways to overhaul my already strict vegetarian diet in hopes of shedding this new look. Each week or month I'd try something else and when the going got tough I quit and resumed my lack luster lifestyle. But it was yesterday that I learned another not so happy detail of my not so fabulous life, I battle with insecurities, both physically and spiritually. For instance when I sleep, I am tormented by fear of death and hell. When I am awake I torment myself by not accepting myself the way that it is. I spend a lot of time focusing on the not so slim areas which drag me down a slope of depression that at times in unbearable. With all I have to be thankful for, and with all that is good in my life my image of myself is bad and it keep me from being the person I know I can be. As I watched my female family members bask in unassumed confidence, I left feeling as empty as my plate is at KFC. Today I had to reflect and in this time knew why this year and my writing career has taken a stand still, I have to learn ( but how ) to love and accept me the way that I am. To no surprise God, my creator knows this and everything else about me, and gave his son for me already so I would not have to live this incomplete life. Yet I still do, can't seem to just take it all in. Indeed we all have expectations of ourselves that drive us further in life or insane, but this year for me has had a most negative effect on me, and my children notice it as well. What am I supposed to do?

Mixed feelings in September

Whew! This has been one long extra boring week, however TGIF. I went out on Monday and enjoyed the view, had a little doubt after I left my appointment for future work and I suppose I carried that energy all week. Because I was unsure of the right strategy to solve a problem, I somehow became incompetent. I felt indifferent because I should have known the answer. I know now that I stored that feeling of self-worth in my subconscious and rendered myself depressed. The three days after that was a drag as I moped around the house unable to shake myself and this heavy weight loose. I listened and read even avoided social interaction thinking that it was people I was becoming tired of. I found myself questioning purpose, health and sanity, my three biggest fears. I even went through a few vinyasas thinking that of course “centering” myself would alleviate this for lack of words, pain. But I soon realized that to come to the yoga mat with any feeling of negativity is a waste of time and only prevents and prolongs the healing. I went for a long walk with my sons and I believe a little light began to shine through this dark soul. I’d had enough of this feeling that I was in that I ran to my first love, Christ. I couldn't’t bare another night of sleeplessness that made the day’s quest for sleep inescapable. I had exhausted myself and my very limited abilities and knew the only way out of this was to take it to the father. I let go and released all the weight of the past week into the lap of my savior. I told God that it was too much for me and that I needed his strength. I told him that I could not or rather did not want to experience another one of these days. I took a deep breath and was sound asleep. A few hours later I woke up because my room lacked a midnight cooling I’d become so accustomed to living in the city by the lake. I rose but commanded myself to be at peace and found myself back in dreamland. Though I cannot recall any of the contents of my dream I am glad because it means I slept well. When I did finally did wake, I went for another brief walk to get my new day going and I must say I felt good. My only concern is why did I let this linger for so long and where was my faith sooner? This has a lot to do with my sometimes inability to let things go, but we will discuss that later. In all, today really is a new day, and writing is how I give thanks, because I am present which means I matter. Thank you God….